Abyss

"And you have to wonder" she whispered "if I were to let myself go into the abyss, what then would happen to me? Would I rise? Or would I sink? Say, per chance, that I rose. Would I come out stronger than before; more competent? Or would I be weaker? And what if I sank? Ah, but surely then they would just devour my soul."

                                 - Effy Ashton.

My Four Legged Friend

Today is a warm autumn day and so I'm off out on an adventure with very best friend with four legs and an alarmingly fluffy tail. We avoid his usual weekday stroll along the canal and go through the woods and onto the field that was once used by two schools as a football pitch.

The air has a slight chill and I give myself a mental pat on the back for having the foresight to put on a scarf. He loves it here, my dog. There are plenty of birds to chase, leaves to jump in, and lots of mud to bound through. He starts off through the woods, smelling all the different scents that have been left behind by the many creatures that pass through here. He runs through the fallen leaves, barking playfully as he does so, until he spots a seagull in the distance on the patchy grass. He slows down, eyes intent. His stance is now that of a hunter, stalking his prey silently and carefully.

Suddenly he dashes off, full pelt after the bird. It flies off before he reaches it, but he continues to chase it as it flies. He's never caught anything, but then as a herding dog he isn't really supposed to.

I laugh at him as he comes to a stop and looks around as though embarrassed. I start running in the opposite direction, inviting him to play, and he starts to chase me instead. Until I pull out his ball that is. He grinds to a halt, skidding a little in the mud, and watches the toy like a hawk. I toss it into the air and he takes off again in pursuit. He catches it in midair and chews on it to make sure it is well and truly dead. When he's certain he's killed it he comes trotting back with his tail held high.

We continue around the outskirts of the field this way. Until he becomes well and truly caked in mud, and then it's time for him to have a short play in the stream in the woods before we start our journey home.

Ghosts of Summers Past

Coming here always brings all the happy memories flooding back. It is so peaceful here, I'm instantly calm and relaxed. I let out a content sigh and perch on the pier. The ducks come closer, eager to check if their new visitor has any food for them. They soon leave when they discover this is not the case this time.

I let out another sigh as I prod at the water with a fallen twig from a nearby tree and watch ripples grow and disperse. I sit back and look up to see the sky burst forth into beautiful oranges, pinks and yellows as the sun begins to set.

A breeze blows across the surface of the water and more ripples appear, disturbing the stillness. the wind reaches the woods and the trees whisper to each other as if they are telling one another the secrets of their world. Birds begin to sing a sweet lullaby and somewhere in the distance and squirrel chatters away.

The breeze reaches me now. It blows around me and causes my loose hair to brush across my face, obscuring my view of this magical scene. I attempt to move it from my eyes but the wind blows harder, playing games with me. Soon after it dies down again and I can return my gaze on the treetops on the other side of the lake.

It's almost over now. The sky is a deep purple colour fading into navy. I close my eyes and relive previous times here. The memories of laughter, picnics, music, and art make me smile to myself reminiscently. Nostalgia grabs hold of me and I can almost see myself and my friends at the benches, gorging on junk food and joking around in the hot summers sun. I snap out of it as the ghost of a laugh hangs in the air, almost tangible.

I sigh once more. The sun has set now and all too soon it is time to leave. I glance over at my company for the evening, today was his first time here. I gesture that we should get going before all of the idiots and drunk people come out for the night and he smiles and nods at me. I pause and take one last, lingering look at the water. Then I grab my bag and we're on the road again, talking about nothing in particular.

The Truth

To be honest, I'm just hoping to die soon.

Paper Cranes

They say that when you get one thousand paper cranes you get a wish.

For a while now, I obsessively start making paper cranes when I get upset. It's almost as if I'm racing to reach a thousand so that I can wish for everything to be alright again. I've never reached it. I haven't even reached a thousand if you add my cumulative total. But one day I will.

And with that, I am off to get more paper to make more paper cranes.

Power Games

You have so much power over me, and you know exactly how to use it. You do use it, quite often in fact. But I don't think you know that you're doing it most of the time. And I know for sure that you have no idea how much it can hurt me when you do use it. There are so many times that you take advantage of your power and it feels like the lash of a whip.

I'm sensitive; over sensitive. And you can't seem to grasp that fact. I tell you I'm sensitive, and you'll calm it down slightly for a short while. But soon enough you're back to wielding your power again.

I feel like I can't ever say this to your face, because all you will do is deny it. You'll probably ask me to prove it by pointing out times that you have done so, even though you know when I'm put on the spot like that everything floats out of my head and I can't think of anything. If I did manage to come up with one you would probably deny it, and try to tell me that you weren't using your power. But the thing is the majority of the time you do it without realising.

You hurt me every single day with this power, yet I can't help but forgive you. You were the first person that I let into my real world. You were the first to know the real me. I fell hopelessly in love with you, and I couldn't help going against my rule of not letting anyone get too close. You know how attached and obsessive I get. I am so fragile, yet you continue to use your power to your advantage without knowing. You continue to hurt me without meaning to. You continue to make me weaker, and weaker, because I can't resist you.

I'm addicted.

Are you anybody's favourite person?

I was watching videos the other day and one of them was a video of a girl talking about her favourite person. And it got me thinking, who is my favourite person, and am I the favourite person of somebody?

I'm not entirely sure that I am somebody's favourite, but I think I might be. That also got me thinking about how sad it is that there are people out there who aren't anybody's favourite person. If I am anybody's favourite, I can't fathom why. I don't think I've done anything especially deserving of being so. But still...

I'm not going to name my person. If they ever read this they will know I mean them, and that is enough. 

My favourite person is definitely deserving of the title. I love them with all my heart. They make me laugh all the time. And I'm not just talking about a little chuckle, I mean a proper laugh. The kind where you're stomach starts to hurt and you have tears in your eyes and it's all you can do to breathe. They are always there to cheer me up if I'm feeling down, and they surprise me all the time with small gifts. When we were younger I was going through a very rough patch and I self harmed and wished that I was dead every single day. But they appeared and helped me through it. They brought me back from the brink and they've kept me afloat ever since, making sure that I don't slip back. They have been there throughout everything and they are so self sacrificing, that it makes me feel that if I was ever half the person that they are, I would be one of the greatest people to walk this planet.

So this begs the question; are you anyone's favourite person?

Change

I don't think feelings change, nor people, I think situations do. I know that it's possible to dislike someone after loving them so much or to love someone after feeling so much hate towards them but, it's not because people change, it's because it's not the same. It's because something made you think differently, something opened your eyes. Something caused you to see everything the way it is at last. It's like days. Days can be cloudy, or days can be sunny. Days don't change, the weather does. And nothing can play a part in that or fix it, they can just let it be.

Farewell

Last night a man that was probably up there with the kindest people I will ever know died, and that man was my grandfather. Ten weeks ago he was taken into hospital after collapsing from severe pains in his lower back and abdomen. It turns out he had liver cancer. He was kept in hospital for a couple of weeks and he seemed to improve so the doctors let him home. Last week he started to go downhill again and the hospital set up a hospital bed in their front room because he couldn't get upstairs anymore. Monday he lost the use of his legs and became bed-bound. From there it went downhill until last night he finally felt he was ready to go.

Growing up I never particularly got on with my grandparents on my dad's side. But now that grandad is gone I feel like I should have been a nicer granddaughter to him. I somehow always thought that he would last forever. I suppose we're all like that until something happens...

Grandad, I'm sorry I left on Monday. But I know that I was of no use waiting around with everybody else, and quite frankly I was getting in the way. Also, I know that I would have been haunted by the way that you looked during your last day or so with us. I can only imagine what it was like from the updates dad was giving us, and that is haunting enough. I'm sure you will understand. Like you said as you clutched my hand while I said goodbye on Monday - "I'll see you when you come again, won't I?"
We're all going to miss Sir Roger the Dodger. I love you, see you on the other side old man.

...

I am incredibly awkward and negative. I get attached too easily, and I hold on for too long. I don't like opening up to people. Most five year old children can express their feelings better than me. I'm terrified of being hurt. I tend to act older than I am. I'm probably one of the most difficult people you will ever meet. But I can be sweet. I'm a great listener. I'll guard your secrets with my life. I will never judge you based on your mistakes, and I'll love you as much as I can. I can be, if you'll let me, one the best things in your life.

So, yeah...

Recently I've been getting comments from people saying how I am such a nice person. It really made me think am I as nice as I seem? Well, no, I'm not. The only reason they think I'm so nice is because they see what I want them to, and they don't really know me all that well.

While it is flattering, it's also slightly surreal to think that they see me as an entirely different person then what I am. People have commented saying they wish they could be more like me, and to that I have to say... No, you really don't.

I eat with my hands, I bite my nails, my hair is always getting in my face - and I like it that way. My room is pretty messy and filled with all sorts of junk that I can't let go, and I have to write things down to remember them.

But these are only little imperfections. I have much bigger ones too, that I choose to hide.

I'm a wishful thinker, and very much a dreamer. I am way over sensitive about everything, and I am self destructive, sometimes to the extreme. I have trouble making up my mind a lot of the time, and I end up asking others to decide for me. I am not at all comfortable in my own skin and I am very insecure about myself and my appearance. I have trust issues, because getting close to anyone scares me. I have done countless things that I have told myself I would never do. I over think everything and it just ends up making me even more confused than I already was, and it ends up getting me into trouble. A lot of the time I say things that I don't mean and I have lied to the people closest to me.

Everyone thinks that they're screwed up, but they just need to open their eyes, and see that everybody is screwed up in some way. But on the other hand, we are all awesome in our own way. It may just take some time, and other people telling us that, to make us see it.