UGH.

What are you playing at? 

What is your game?

What do you want?

What do I blame?

You're seeing someone else,

Now this I know.

You wanted this to end,

You wanted to go!

But now you're back,

And you're saying all these things...

Why won't you stop?

Do you know how much this stings?

You had all this power,

You wanted to rule me.

This time I won't let you in,

So will you just let be?

-Effy

What is the key...

...to getting over your past hurts? I have one in particular, that I thought I had quelled. But I am ashamed to say it has resurfaced. It keeps rearing it's ugly head to taunt and torment me, and I don't know how to stop it this time.

I'm trying to keep my focus forward, on the future. But every so often I catch the whisper of it in the back in my skull. It's like I'm trying to catch smoke, with nothing but a fishing net.

I just wish it would leave me alone.

Revelation

I've taken a lot of time to myself recently. Time to think about what I want, who I want to share my life and myself with, and time to heal my heart again.

During this time, I've had a lot of moments where I sit back and just think things through. I've had a really good chance to sift through my thoughts, my memories, and my feelings. And through doing this, I've had a revelation.

I liked you, I really, really liked you. I got my hopes up that we might be something, because, let's face it, you charmed me. You said that I didn't put in enough effort, that I didn't try hard enough. At first I believed it was all my fault that it didn't work out. But now that I've had a lot of time away from you and everyone else so that I can think clearly I can see that you are being a complete hypocrite.

I tried so hard to make us something. It was YOU. You were the one that didn't try. I let you in, past my walls, but you didn't even try to let me through yours. You then manipulated me into believing that I was the one to blame. You made me feel like shit. You brought back my depression, you brought back my demons. I'm not upset any more. I'm mad. In fact, I am livid, and I want revenge.

Next time you point the finger, I'll point you to the mirror.

Thank you

Thank you for being there when I felt like I had nobody I could turn to.
Thank you for helping to find my path again.
Thank you for helping and healing my heart.
Thank you for pushing me through the tough times.
And thank you for giving me unforgettable memories along the way.
I literally love you to the moon and back.
Thank you.

But...

What do I do?
Which do I choose?

A life waiting for the person whom I love unconditionally but know deep down will never feel the same way about me?

Or...

A life with the person who loves me unconditionally when I know I will never feel the same way about them again?