Just a quick one today, I have other things to do this evening - namely sleep!
Number 3. "I am very indecisive"
This is a serious problem that I have. There is barely anything I can decide on for myself. And I mean ANYTHING. From what to do, where to go, whether I should go or not... Choosing a film is a major chore for me. If there's even the slightest chance I can get somebody else to decide for me, I will make them.
My last thought before actually deciding something myself? FUCK IT.
Very quick one today... I'll make tomorrow's longer. I promise.
Until then... Adieu.
Friday, 29 March 2013
Thursday, 28 March 2013
Facts and Explanations - Part 2
This is the second installment to my facts and explanations series, as the title suggests. This one involves something that I rarely tell anybody. It is something I have trouble admitting and talking about to anyone.
Number 2. "I hate that I suffer from depression and that I get SAD in the winter"
Depression. It is a truly terrible thing to suffer from. SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) isn't a walk in the park either. But both are even harder to cope with when your version of depression is warped by mental issues. Yes, that's right, I have mental issues too.
I was originally diagnosed with Schizophrenia. That was wrong. Then I was diagnosed as being Bipolar. That was wrong too. I've finally been correctly diagnosed with Psychosis and Psychotic Depression. I refuse medicines, I tried counseling but that didn't work out either. I've found that the type of treatment that works best for me is art therapy - namely drawing and writing.
What does this all entail?
Well, I get -
Hallucinations: These can be mild, or really severe. I can see, smell, hear, even feel things that aren't really there and aren't really happening. But for me, it is real. I've had someone try to talk me down telling me that it isn't, that it's all in my head. While they're right, for me at that exact moment while I'm hallucinating it is real. I can't make a distinction. The most common one that I get is feeling like I have insects crawling all over my skin.
Delusions: These are like super mild forms of hallucinations. I can get an idea in my head, for instance, I'm being watched by someone from somewhere. Some of the time I can snap myself out of these, and I can be easily talked down from them. My most common form of delusional behavior is that I am being watched.
Other symptoms: They're the big two. Other than that I can get paranoia, insomnia, sudden and intense daydreaming, lack of interest in everything around me, sudden increase/decrease in libido, and weight fluctuation...
If can avoid it, I don't talk about it. There are only four people in my life that know the whole truth about this and they're names are - Jordan, Nicole, Dave, and Connor. I learned to tell only a segment of the truth if it ever cropped up in conversation to find out who is worthy of knowing the full story. The ones who know there's something wrong with me, but don't know the particular details are the ones that treated me differently afterwards. Even my parents treated me differently.
For the people that read this - no I don't want to about it. And if I get sympathy, or avoidance from it then I don't want to know you. I haven't had a hallucination for a year and five months today. I don't need any sympathy, I'm strong enough to function without it. And avoidance... Well then you are less of a person for it. It's your loss, not mine.
Heavy topic over with for today. Any questions, ask. I will reply with something, but maybe not with an answer. As I've already said, I hate talking about it. It's a weakness, and I cannot stand feeling weak. If you're leaving never to return because I have mental issues... I hope the door hits you on the way out.
Until tomorrow, as always...
Adieu.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
Facts and Explanations - Part 1
So, it has taken me a while to figure out what to do next, yes. But I've now decided that maybe I could explain some of the things in my 'Likes' and 'Dislikes' and why I like or dislike them. I know a couple raised a few eyebrows - the one about not liking falling in love in particular. So, yeah. I'll tell you why I think what I think, and feel what I feel about some of these things, and throw in a few other facts along the way. That should help me figure out who I am, right?
Number 1. "I don't like falling in love"
This is the one that I really feel I should explain, as it was the one to raise the most eyebrows. I like love and romance and all that gooey mushy stuff that can be quite sickening to witness from the outside. But falling in love is one of my biggest fears now.
I've fallen in love three times. And each of those times didn't work out.
The first was a real childhood sweetheart. He was a popular kid and I was the weird fat kid that gets bullied. But we were best friends, and more. Some people may say that being in Primary School means that it wasn't real love, just 'puppy love' if anything. I can say now, with absolute certainty, that is utter hokum. We weren't too young to be in love, too young to understand it, yes. But not too young to feel it. But it didn't last. As we moved onto High School his parents decided to move to New Zealand. I haven't heard from him since, and I still think about him from time to time. Wondering if he thinks of me...
Number two was a girl. She was, still is, one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. She still takes my breath away on the rare occasions I bump into her. We were together for a short time, but she didn't feel the same about me. She never knew how strongly I felt about her, and she never will.
Thirdly, most recently, and most painfully, was the person I thought was 'the one'. I thought third time lucky. I believed we were going to spend the rest of our lives together - grow old, get a house, have pets, maybe even kids... He was the first person to actually make me feel like I could want to have children. But he had power over me. Still does, if I'm to be honest. He used that power, and he didn't always treat me the way that he should have.
I will always hold these three people in my heart. They will always be special to me, because each one in their own way unintentionally made me a better person and they taught me so many things that are necessary to life.
However, now, I am more cautious with my heart and to whom I entrust it. Too cautious, perhaps. But I am afraid to get hurt again. I barely escaped the third one alive. I confess here, once and for all, that I was a seconds thought away from suicide again. I would have done it, I had the knife poised, and I'd started to apply pressure. The only reason I stopped was because my mother interrupted me with an inquiring yell from downstairs. That is the only reason I am here to type this. And I am so thankful she chose that moment to ask me a question.
I don't like falling in love because it is scary and it hurts like hell when it doesn't work out. But that doesn't mean that I won't fall in love again. It just means that I'll be more careful and hold myself back from falling in love until I know they feel the same and we both believe it may go somewhere worthwhile.
I shall be back tomorrow.
Until then... Adieu.
Number 1. "I don't like falling in love"
This is the one that I really feel I should explain, as it was the one to raise the most eyebrows. I like love and romance and all that gooey mushy stuff that can be quite sickening to witness from the outside. But falling in love is one of my biggest fears now.
I've fallen in love three times. And each of those times didn't work out.
The first was a real childhood sweetheart. He was a popular kid and I was the weird fat kid that gets bullied. But we were best friends, and more. Some people may say that being in Primary School means that it wasn't real love, just 'puppy love' if anything. I can say now, with absolute certainty, that is utter hokum. We weren't too young to be in love, too young to understand it, yes. But not too young to feel it. But it didn't last. As we moved onto High School his parents decided to move to New Zealand. I haven't heard from him since, and I still think about him from time to time. Wondering if he thinks of me...
Number two was a girl. She was, still is, one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. She still takes my breath away on the rare occasions I bump into her. We were together for a short time, but she didn't feel the same about me. She never knew how strongly I felt about her, and she never will.
Thirdly, most recently, and most painfully, was the person I thought was 'the one'. I thought third time lucky. I believed we were going to spend the rest of our lives together - grow old, get a house, have pets, maybe even kids... He was the first person to actually make me feel like I could want to have children. But he had power over me. Still does, if I'm to be honest. He used that power, and he didn't always treat me the way that he should have.
I will always hold these three people in my heart. They will always be special to me, because each one in their own way unintentionally made me a better person and they taught me so many things that are necessary to life.
However, now, I am more cautious with my heart and to whom I entrust it. Too cautious, perhaps. But I am afraid to get hurt again. I barely escaped the third one alive. I confess here, once and for all, that I was a seconds thought away from suicide again. I would have done it, I had the knife poised, and I'd started to apply pressure. The only reason I stopped was because my mother interrupted me with an inquiring yell from downstairs. That is the only reason I am here to type this. And I am so thankful she chose that moment to ask me a question.
I don't like falling in love because it is scary and it hurts like hell when it doesn't work out. But that doesn't mean that I won't fall in love again. It just means that I'll be more careful and hold myself back from falling in love until I know they feel the same and we both believe it may go somewhere worthwhile.
I shall be back tomorrow.
Until then... Adieu.
Monday, 18 March 2013
On Book Covers and Changes...
- Brief interim here. This isn't going to be about how I'm trying to find myself, or anything. This is just a topic that I've seen brought up a lot recently and one that really irritates me. Since this was created mainly to get things off my chest and have a good old complain about how much life sucks I'm going to write about it. And you're all just going to have to be OK with that! -
I don't know how many people out there can say the same, but I'm quite a perfectionist. And I'm pretty OCD with my perfectionism. If I'm making something, I have to make it perfectly otherwise it is just a bunch of rubbish at the end of it. If I'm writing a story then I won't let anyone see it unless I have checked it over beforehand to make sure it is alright for reading. The books on my shelves, absolutely have to be neat and orderly. For me, books have to be organised by author and within that chronological order if they're part of a series. Other than that my books are fine being wherever I put them. Unless... Unless those stupid publishers decide that they are going to change the cover art.
This is when all hell breaks loose.
Particularly if they do it in the middle of a series and the original cover designs are discontinued.
I mean, where is the necessity for them to do this to us?! You know what makes it even worse? When the original covers are the most exquisitely beautiful things ever and they change them into something horrible and lackluster! I mean, what gives book people!?
I swear, if I ever get a book series of my own published and they change the covers halfway through... People better start running.
Just saying...
I don't know how many people out there can say the same, but I'm quite a perfectionist. And I'm pretty OCD with my perfectionism. If I'm making something, I have to make it perfectly otherwise it is just a bunch of rubbish at the end of it. If I'm writing a story then I won't let anyone see it unless I have checked it over beforehand to make sure it is alright for reading. The books on my shelves, absolutely have to be neat and orderly. For me, books have to be organised by author and within that chronological order if they're part of a series. Other than that my books are fine being wherever I put them. Unless... Unless those stupid publishers decide that they are going to change the cover art.
This is when all hell breaks loose.
Particularly if they do it in the middle of a series and the original cover designs are discontinued.
I mean, where is the necessity for them to do this to us?! You know what makes it even worse? When the original covers are the most exquisitely beautiful things ever and they change them into something horrible and lackluster! I mean, what gives book people!?
I swear, if I ever get a book series of my own published and they change the covers halfway through... People better start running.
Just saying...
Saturday, 16 March 2013
A Kick In The Nostalgia...
Late, I know. I've had zero free time. I guess these are bits that I can remember from my childhood. Maybe they can give some clue as to who I might be...
"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four Privet Drive were proud to say they were perfectly normal, thank you very much." Watching Winnie the Pooh and Disney's Robin Hood every day before nursery. Sitting at my own little red table with a little red chair to eat or paint. Wanting a Barbie simply for the fact that it came with some stuff to colour it's hair that I instead used on myself and ignored the doll. Going for walks and picnics at the weekend with my parents. Wycollar - it's still one my most favourite places to this day. Begging, and begging, for a dog and thinking I would never get anywhere. Sweeping the yard with a giant brush, just because. Sitting in the washing machine with the cat and pretending we were going to space. Putting bread in the video player thinking that would make toast. Wanting to be a toaster sales person to give everybody the gift of toast. Stealing carrots and potatoes so that I could post them through the cat flap. Dreams of becoming a vet and watching Animal Hospital every day it was on. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL POKÉMON! Collecting and trading Pokémon cards with friends, playing the games and trading and battling in the back of class instead of doing work. Hanging around in town every weekend. Eating Ben and Jerry's under the gazebo, and making cookie and chocolate squirty cream sandwiches. Buying a bunch of strawberry laces, energy drinks, chocolate, and fruit juice and having picnics in Thompson Park. The penis tree and the hedgehog. Golden Weinge, Rosemary, Elmy faces, Babe Lotus. Going to Manchester Gay Pride Parade every year and collecting a bunch of the stickers all over our chests. Silly string fights, sitting in the corner of the car parks and drawing weird things all over the floors. Sitting in a squared off section in the middle of Tesco and having a woman come up to us and say "What a good place to store teenagers!" Skipping PE to go to Art instead. Doing Alice in Wonderland in Drama and falling through the stage. Making a musical in Music - Boil her, mash her, stick her in a stew! "Good day young ladies, would you like to re-arrange my hat?" Assigning one another an element to bend and ending up being a waterbender because my hands are always cold. Having a car meatlbended away from me so I didn't get run over. Teksta the robot dog. Collecting anything Godzilla. Making a secret den in a small clearing behind the trees in somebody's private garden and leaping over the wall when we thought we were about to get caught, which we never were. Somehow coming to the conclusion that we'd found the remains of a witch in the den. Lego, pop tarts, and cartoons in the mornings. "Who loves Orange Soda? Kel loves Orange Soda. Is it true? I do, I do, I do-ooo!" Reading A Series of Unfortunate Events, Roald Dahl, Jacqueline Wilson, Enid Blyton, Goosebumps, and the Hobbit. Trying to collect all the Mr. Men books just because it made a face on the spines if you managed it. Horrible Histories. Gremlins, Labyrinth, Princess Bride, Willow, and The Neverending Story. The Devil in Legend terrifying the crap out of me. Trying to watch Jurassic Park 3 for the first time on the tv in my parents room but getting so scared of it I had to walk out of the room without switching it off because I thought going near the tv would allow the dinosaurs to get me. The candyman and bloody Mary mirror tricks that never worked. Everyone getting a sudden obsession with yo-yos and buying a green light up one just to fit in. Furbys, Crazy Bones, Beyblades, Digimon. Looking everywhere for a Gatomon plush but never managing to find one. Stealing the pick 'n mix from Woolworths and being amazed by the tiny cans of coke and popping candy. Mona the Vampire, Arthur, The Story of Tracy Beaker, The Smurfs, The Raccoons, Moomins, Round the Twist, Powerpuff Girls, Dexter's Laboratory, Hey Arnold, Cat Dog, Cow and Chicken, Rugrats, Count Duckula, Zzzap!, Art Attack, Recess, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Woody the Woodpecker, Sailor Moon, Pinky and the Brain, The Simpsons, Jackie Chan Adventures, Funnybones, Penny Crayon, and The Demon Headmaster. Learning all about people like Robin Hood from watching Wishbone. Spice Girls, S Club 7, Busted and McFly. Sneaking into my brothers room to watch him play video games. Ross's fake tan, leather pants and insanely white teeth in Friends. Learning every single one of Phoebe's songs. Watching Spy Kids and really wanting to be a spy, and having a massive crush on Carmen. Setting up the board game Mouse Trap and then not even bothering to play it afterwards because it took way too long. The Land Before Time. Samwise Gamgee's first steps farther than he has ever been before. Beanie Babies, Pogs, and those aliens that 'hatched' from the eggs and supposedly bred if you put them back to back. Dr. Seuss books. Oreos, jelly tots, and actually being able to get sweets for 1p. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Only Fools and Horses, Fawlty Towers, and Open All Hours. Sitting in the grass and making daisy chains in the summer. Going fishing with my brother and eating Pot Noodles as soon as we found a spot to fish. Boys with curtains and flannel shirts. Never understanding the presence of Coolio in the Kenan and Kel opening. Watching every episode of Buffy, having a huge crush on Willow, Spike, and Oz and hating Angel. Dungarees and people always wearing their baseball caps backwards.
That's what I'll remember.
I'm not entirely sure what I'll be back with next. But I will think of something.
Until then, as always...
Adieu.
"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four Privet Drive were proud to say they were perfectly normal, thank you very much." Watching Winnie the Pooh and Disney's Robin Hood every day before nursery. Sitting at my own little red table with a little red chair to eat or paint. Wanting a Barbie simply for the fact that it came with some stuff to colour it's hair that I instead used on myself and ignored the doll. Going for walks and picnics at the weekend with my parents. Wycollar - it's still one my most favourite places to this day. Begging, and begging, for a dog and thinking I would never get anywhere. Sweeping the yard with a giant brush, just because. Sitting in the washing machine with the cat and pretending we were going to space. Putting bread in the video player thinking that would make toast. Wanting to be a toaster sales person to give everybody the gift of toast. Stealing carrots and potatoes so that I could post them through the cat flap. Dreams of becoming a vet and watching Animal Hospital every day it was on. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL POKÉMON! Collecting and trading Pokémon cards with friends, playing the games and trading and battling in the back of class instead of doing work. Hanging around in town every weekend. Eating Ben and Jerry's under the gazebo, and making cookie and chocolate squirty cream sandwiches. Buying a bunch of strawberry laces, energy drinks, chocolate, and fruit juice and having picnics in Thompson Park. The penis tree and the hedgehog. Golden Weinge, Rosemary, Elmy faces, Babe Lotus. Going to Manchester Gay Pride Parade every year and collecting a bunch of the stickers all over our chests. Silly string fights, sitting in the corner of the car parks and drawing weird things all over the floors. Sitting in a squared off section in the middle of Tesco and having a woman come up to us and say "What a good place to store teenagers!" Skipping PE to go to Art instead. Doing Alice in Wonderland in Drama and falling through the stage. Making a musical in Music - Boil her, mash her, stick her in a stew! "Good day young ladies, would you like to re-arrange my hat?" Assigning one another an element to bend and ending up being a waterbender because my hands are always cold. Having a car meatlbended away from me so I didn't get run over. Teksta the robot dog. Collecting anything Godzilla. Making a secret den in a small clearing behind the trees in somebody's private garden and leaping over the wall when we thought we were about to get caught, which we never were. Somehow coming to the conclusion that we'd found the remains of a witch in the den. Lego, pop tarts, and cartoons in the mornings. "Who loves Orange Soda? Kel loves Orange Soda. Is it true? I do, I do, I do-ooo!" Reading A Series of Unfortunate Events, Roald Dahl, Jacqueline Wilson, Enid Blyton, Goosebumps, and the Hobbit. Trying to collect all the Mr. Men books just because it made a face on the spines if you managed it. Horrible Histories. Gremlins, Labyrinth, Princess Bride, Willow, and The Neverending Story. The Devil in Legend terrifying the crap out of me. Trying to watch Jurassic Park 3 for the first time on the tv in my parents room but getting so scared of it I had to walk out of the room without switching it off because I thought going near the tv would allow the dinosaurs to get me. The candyman and bloody Mary mirror tricks that never worked. Everyone getting a sudden obsession with yo-yos and buying a green light up one just to fit in. Furbys, Crazy Bones, Beyblades, Digimon. Looking everywhere for a Gatomon plush but never managing to find one. Stealing the pick 'n mix from Woolworths and being amazed by the tiny cans of coke and popping candy. Mona the Vampire, Arthur, The Story of Tracy Beaker, The Smurfs, The Raccoons, Moomins, Round the Twist, Powerpuff Girls, Dexter's Laboratory, Hey Arnold, Cat Dog, Cow and Chicken, Rugrats, Count Duckula, Zzzap!, Art Attack, Recess, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Woody the Woodpecker, Sailor Moon, Pinky and the Brain, The Simpsons, Jackie Chan Adventures, Funnybones, Penny Crayon, and The Demon Headmaster. Learning all about people like Robin Hood from watching Wishbone. Spice Girls, S Club 7, Busted and McFly. Sneaking into my brothers room to watch him play video games. Ross's fake tan, leather pants and insanely white teeth in Friends. Learning every single one of Phoebe's songs. Watching Spy Kids and really wanting to be a spy, and having a massive crush on Carmen. Setting up the board game Mouse Trap and then not even bothering to play it afterwards because it took way too long. The Land Before Time. Samwise Gamgee's first steps farther than he has ever been before. Beanie Babies, Pogs, and those aliens that 'hatched' from the eggs and supposedly bred if you put them back to back. Dr. Seuss books. Oreos, jelly tots, and actually being able to get sweets for 1p. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Only Fools and Horses, Fawlty Towers, and Open All Hours. Sitting in the grass and making daisy chains in the summer. Going fishing with my brother and eating Pot Noodles as soon as we found a spot to fish. Boys with curtains and flannel shirts. Never understanding the presence of Coolio in the Kenan and Kel opening. Watching every episode of Buffy, having a huge crush on Willow, Spike, and Oz and hating Angel. Dungarees and people always wearing their baseball caps backwards.
That's what I'll remember.
I'm not entirely sure what I'll be back with next. But I will think of something.
Until then, as always...
Adieu.
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
I Dislike...
There's quite a lot that I dislike, so I'll try and keep this short and sweet...
I don't like my hands being too warm, and my feet always have to be cold. I don't like it when snow freezes, or the kind of ice that is invisible. I don't like days that are too hot. I don't like really sweaty people, or people that have awful, strong body odor. I don't like vampires that sparkle - they aren't vampires, not really. I don't like the colour pink. I don't like comedy movies. I don't like the taste of most alcoholic beverages. I don't like being in crowded places, and I don't like loud noises. I don't like night time because it makes me sad. I don't like feeling weak or lonely. I don't like the people that used to bully me for being obese they're the reason I have such a low opinion of myself to this day. I don't like homophobic people. I don't like heights, needles, moths or feeling trapped. I don't like that I didn't get a real Pokémon for my tenth birthday. I don't like sneezing. I don't like my father or his mother. I hate admitting how I feel to people. I don't like dishonest and untrustworthy people. I don't like people who stare a lot. I don't like growing older. I don't like that I have a horribly violent side to me. I don't like sharing things or people that I love. I don't like trusting people. I don't like people who try to make my decisions for me, or people that try to force me into things. I don't like being cut over when I'm talking. I don't really like talking all that much. I don't like how powerful my imagination can be. I hate people dressed in costumes where I can't see their faces properly and I especially hate clowns. I don't like crying in front people. I don't like people that try to talk to me when I am crying in front of them. I don't like dancing in front of people. I don't like the smell of roses. I don't like the way jelly feels in my mouth. I don't like it when people cut sausages in half and fry the inside. I don't like Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, or Cheryl Cole. I don't like the hollow feeling I get after one of my pets dies. I don't like people - as a race we suck. I don't like falling in love. I don't like cold rain. I don't like scratchy clothing. I hate that I suffer from depression and that I get SAD in the winter. I don't like seeing people who constantly frown for no reason. I don't like people who pick wild flowers. I don't like sleeping alone. I don't like the squelching noise of mud under your feet. I don't like people squeezing me. I hate being popular with the opposite sex.
Kind of short...
I will try to be back tomorrow with what I remember about my childhood.
If I'm too busy I'll come back on Friday and do it then.
Adieu.
I don't like my hands being too warm, and my feet always have to be cold. I don't like it when snow freezes, or the kind of ice that is invisible. I don't like days that are too hot. I don't like really sweaty people, or people that have awful, strong body odor. I don't like vampires that sparkle - they aren't vampires, not really. I don't like the colour pink. I don't like comedy movies. I don't like the taste of most alcoholic beverages. I don't like being in crowded places, and I don't like loud noises. I don't like night time because it makes me sad. I don't like feeling weak or lonely. I don't like the people that used to bully me for being obese they're the reason I have such a low opinion of myself to this day. I don't like homophobic people. I don't like heights, needles, moths or feeling trapped. I don't like that I didn't get a real Pokémon for my tenth birthday. I don't like sneezing. I don't like my father or his mother. I hate admitting how I feel to people. I don't like dishonest and untrustworthy people. I don't like people who stare a lot. I don't like growing older. I don't like that I have a horribly violent side to me. I don't like sharing things or people that I love. I don't like trusting people. I don't like people who try to make my decisions for me, or people that try to force me into things. I don't like being cut over when I'm talking. I don't really like talking all that much. I don't like how powerful my imagination can be. I hate people dressed in costumes where I can't see their faces properly and I especially hate clowns. I don't like crying in front people. I don't like people that try to talk to me when I am crying in front of them. I don't like dancing in front of people. I don't like the smell of roses. I don't like the way jelly feels in my mouth. I don't like it when people cut sausages in half and fry the inside. I don't like Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, or Cheryl Cole. I don't like the hollow feeling I get after one of my pets dies. I don't like people - as a race we suck. I don't like falling in love. I don't like cold rain. I don't like scratchy clothing. I hate that I suffer from depression and that I get SAD in the winter. I don't like seeing people who constantly frown for no reason. I don't like people who pick wild flowers. I don't like sleeping alone. I don't like the squelching noise of mud under your feet. I don't like people squeezing me. I hate being popular with the opposite sex.
Kind of short...
I will try to be back tomorrow with what I remember about my childhood.
If I'm too busy I'll come back on Friday and do it then.
Adieu.
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
I Like...
When I had a counselor for my depression she always suggested that I write down how I feel. It helps you to figure things out, she said. What would she suggest for me right now? That was my thought the other day, and I've been debating it on and off ever since. If I have to find myself, and learn what my identity is, wouldn't writing about what I know about myself help? So that's what I'm doing. This is part of my next step.
I like books, they help me to escape the real world. The same goes for video games. I like warm days and the feeling of wearing dresses. I like eating ice cubes. I like watching movies whilst being cuddled up with someone. I like the sound of heavy rain beating on my window at night. I like the stars. I like going to the theater. I like the chiming noise that skimming a stone can make on frozen water. I like big, comfy hooded jackets and jumpers. I like hot chocolate on cold winter days. I like the silence that snow brings. I like the colours of autumn and the freshness of spring. I like animals. I like both dogs and cats. I like foxes, raccoons, owls, orca whales, sharks, cheetahs, komodo dragons, and wolves. I like singing to my pets. I like to listen to loud music when I'm sad. I like tattoos, and lip piercings. I like motorbikes. I like men with twirly moustaches and I like goatees. I like seeing old couples that are obviously in love and seem like they have been together for many years. I like seeing same sex couples. I like romance and cheesy one-liners. I like giving gifts. I like girls that can skateboard. I like dew on spider webs. I like people who smile with their eyes. I like girls with long curly hair that goes on and on down their backs. I like men who are musically talented, and girls who can sing. I like to draw and take pictures. I like making up stories. I like stop motion animation. I like America, Japan, and Italy. I like reading about mythology and folklore. I like fantasy. I like visiting aquariums. I like people who are positive and optimistic. I like people who smell really nice, and give warm hugs. I like pirates and piratey things. I like to make weird noises and I like to dance in the rain. I like laughing so hard my tummy starts to hurt and I start to cry. I like to watch thunderstorms. I like going for walks. I like to watch flowing water, it fascinates me. I like Johnny Depp, and Tim Burton movies. I like receiving letters, especially love letters. I like Mr. Darcy. I like pianos and bubble wrap. I like gazing at lava lamps. I like frosty mornings and city skylines at night. I like walking through forests. I like kissing in the rain. I like Banksy's artwork. I like the colour blue. I like magic and illusions. I like people with ginger hair. I like popping candy and Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I like to eat peanut butter when I'm sad. I like to name the pieces of technology I own. I like the words massacre, cascade, tranquil, hemoglobin, and spatula. I like my eyes and my lips. I like having the kinds of conversations that make you feel nostalgic. I like to attack hug people.
That's all that I can think of right now...
I'll be back tomorrow with my dislikes.
Until then, Adieu.
I like books, they help me to escape the real world. The same goes for video games. I like warm days and the feeling of wearing dresses. I like eating ice cubes. I like watching movies whilst being cuddled up with someone. I like the sound of heavy rain beating on my window at night. I like the stars. I like going to the theater. I like the chiming noise that skimming a stone can make on frozen water. I like big, comfy hooded jackets and jumpers. I like hot chocolate on cold winter days. I like the silence that snow brings. I like the colours of autumn and the freshness of spring. I like animals. I like both dogs and cats. I like foxes, raccoons, owls, orca whales, sharks, cheetahs, komodo dragons, and wolves. I like singing to my pets. I like to listen to loud music when I'm sad. I like tattoos, and lip piercings. I like motorbikes. I like men with twirly moustaches and I like goatees. I like seeing old couples that are obviously in love and seem like they have been together for many years. I like seeing same sex couples. I like romance and cheesy one-liners. I like giving gifts. I like girls that can skateboard. I like dew on spider webs. I like people who smile with their eyes. I like girls with long curly hair that goes on and on down their backs. I like men who are musically talented, and girls who can sing. I like to draw and take pictures. I like making up stories. I like stop motion animation. I like America, Japan, and Italy. I like reading about mythology and folklore. I like fantasy. I like visiting aquariums. I like people who are positive and optimistic. I like people who smell really nice, and give warm hugs. I like pirates and piratey things. I like to make weird noises and I like to dance in the rain. I like laughing so hard my tummy starts to hurt and I start to cry. I like to watch thunderstorms. I like going for walks. I like to watch flowing water, it fascinates me. I like Johnny Depp, and Tim Burton movies. I like receiving letters, especially love letters. I like Mr. Darcy. I like pianos and bubble wrap. I like gazing at lava lamps. I like frosty mornings and city skylines at night. I like walking through forests. I like kissing in the rain. I like Banksy's artwork. I like the colour blue. I like magic and illusions. I like people with ginger hair. I like popping candy and Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I like to eat peanut butter when I'm sad. I like to name the pieces of technology I own. I like the words massacre, cascade, tranquil, hemoglobin, and spatula. I like my eyes and my lips. I like having the kinds of conversations that make you feel nostalgic. I like to attack hug people.
That's all that I can think of right now...
I'll be back tomorrow with my dislikes.
Until then, Adieu.
Saturday, 9 March 2013
Who am I?
The truth is, I really don't know.
I always thought I knew who I was. But as it turns out, I don't. I'm lost, floating about untethered to anything. Is that any way to live? No, it really isn't. I need to find my identity. I need to find me. That is my newest task. I am so thankful to be able to say I have some truly amazing people who know what I'm going through who can help me along the way.
Looking back over the past few months of my life I realise now that instead of losing everything a couple of weeks ago, I've had nothing really left for a long time now. I can see now that I've been lost for a lot longer than I thought, I just didn't feel it before whereas now that's all I've really been feeling. But that's the good thing about having nothing. Nothing can't be taken away from you. You can only go up, and things can only get better.
My main flaw, and an issue I really need to take care of, is that I am too nice for my own good. My heart is too kind, too gentle. And that means that people will take advantage of my kindness and I will end up getting even more hurt than I have been. That needs to stop. The first step in my quest is doing things for myself, not for other people. Sure, I'll still help someone if they need it. But now I come first, not them.
So, here starts my journey. To a, hopefully, much happier, confident, and better me. I have perspective, and mistakes to learn from.
I always thought I knew who I was. But as it turns out, I don't. I'm lost, floating about untethered to anything. Is that any way to live? No, it really isn't. I need to find my identity. I need to find me. That is my newest task. I am so thankful to be able to say I have some truly amazing people who know what I'm going through who can help me along the way.
Looking back over the past few months of my life I realise now that instead of losing everything a couple of weeks ago, I've had nothing really left for a long time now. I can see now that I've been lost for a lot longer than I thought, I just didn't feel it before whereas now that's all I've really been feeling. But that's the good thing about having nothing. Nothing can't be taken away from you. You can only go up, and things can only get better.
My main flaw, and an issue I really need to take care of, is that I am too nice for my own good. My heart is too kind, too gentle. And that means that people will take advantage of my kindness and I will end up getting even more hurt than I have been. That needs to stop. The first step in my quest is doing things for myself, not for other people. Sure, I'll still help someone if they need it. But now I come first, not them.
So, here starts my journey. To a, hopefully, much happier, confident, and better me. I have perspective, and mistakes to learn from.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)