It has been... A while.
I want to start writing again, and sharing odd little bits and pieces that fall from my brain cavity and spill themselves here on my small corner of the internet, because it is a part of myself that I miss.
My creativity (all varieties that I possess) has been squashed and melted down and it has been waiting for me to pick it back up again and refine it. I hasten to admit, that I am a teensy bit rusty after such an interlude... However, I intend to put in the effort to pick it back up, brush it off, and give it the care, effort, and attention that it requires in order to come back to life. The same can indeed be said of myself.
I cannot say for sure how often I will end up writing... But I will give it my best. I have ideas wriggling around up there. Thoughts that I wish to share with anyone who cares enough to read them just aching to be released.
And so, I will relent and, at least make an attempt, to set them free.
Friday, 25 March 2016
Monday, 4 January 2016
Dear 2015...
You sucked. Like, you seriously sucked major donkey testicles. You ripped things apart, you wore me down pretty damn good towards the end, and you stole one of my favourite people from me. For that last point alone, I hate you. You made me want to hurt myself. I even thought about killing myself too, so thanks for that!
I got caught up in the middle of so much fucking drama, despite trying my hardest to avoid it. Mostly that of my parents. You made it tear me apart from the inside to remember all the actual good times I had with them growing up. All the rare moments of joy during the winter holidays are long gone and I was miserable as fuck trying to forget it as much as was possible.
Nothing stayed the same. Everything that could have changed, did. And it's set to continue to do so in 2016 by the look of things...
You weren't entirely crappy though, so I appreciate that. I was entirely happy sometimes.
All I ask for 2016 is that things settle down for a while. I need things to settle down, and just stop. I need a moment for a breath. I'm too tired and stretched too thin to take in too much more change. It can't be a constant thing like it was last year, I need to stop. For a while.
I got caught up in the middle of so much fucking drama, despite trying my hardest to avoid it. Mostly that of my parents. You made it tear me apart from the inside to remember all the actual good times I had with them growing up. All the rare moments of joy during the winter holidays are long gone and I was miserable as fuck trying to forget it as much as was possible.
Nothing stayed the same. Everything that could have changed, did. And it's set to continue to do so in 2016 by the look of things...
You weren't entirely crappy though, so I appreciate that. I was entirely happy sometimes.
All I ask for 2016 is that things settle down for a while. I need things to settle down, and just stop. I need a moment for a breath. I'm too tired and stretched too thin to take in too much more change. It can't be a constant thing like it was last year, I need to stop. For a while.
Tuesday, 11 August 2015
My 5 Mantras.
I have been having quite a mental struggle recently. The details as to why are my own, but it isn't something that I can prevent. I can't stop thinking as negatively as I have been doing and I am finding it difficult to carry on. There are 5 things that I tell myself in my head every morning in order to pick myself up and get myself moving again.
1. You're not unlovable.
You may believe with every atom of your being that you are unlovable, entirely unworthy of loving but you aren't. There are people who love you. And by hurting yourself, by taking your life, they will be hurting too. You are not selfish enough to do that; because you love them too. And you won't hurt them.
2. Change is inevitable.
Change is an inevitable constant throughout life. There is nothing that you can do, you are entirely helpless against it. It can be good, bad, or indifferent. All you can do is roll with the punches and adapt to the new reality. Life will reward you for pushing through the tough times. It always has, you know this.
3. Look at all of the things you haven't achieved yet.
You have so much potential. Think about all the things you have left to learn, to do, to see! You haven't seen nearly enough of the earth and there are so many people you have left to meet. Including some of your own making. You have so many experiences left, don't throw them away. You were meant to live on this earth and you were given the chance to explore every corner you can.
4. You are not the sum of your mistakes and it is okay to regret things.
You are not the sum of your mistakes. You are the sum of all of the actions and choices you make. Mistake or not. And that is okay. You can regret choices that you've made, you can regret not doing something before it was too late. It just means that if you could go back you would do things differently. But don't dwell on that. You need to keep looking forward, carry on learning as much as you can. Be the best you that you can possibly be.
5. Your insecurities are usually just your mind playing tricks, talk about them.
It's fine to have insecurities. Everybody has some. But don't allow them to rule your mind. If something is seriously bothering you, talk to the one you trust about them and figure it out. It will make you feel better for it in the end. You know that your mind gets snarled up in the darkest of thoughts and you struggle to find the light. But that doesn't mean that there is no way out.
I've written this down because sometimes I find it difficult to remember these things. I have posted it on here, however, because if anybody ever reads this who is or has gone through the same thing and it saves them from themselves then it is worthwhile. You are strong. You are brave. You are a good person. And you are capable of so much more than you believe you are.
1. You're not unlovable.
You may believe with every atom of your being that you are unlovable, entirely unworthy of loving but you aren't. There are people who love you. And by hurting yourself, by taking your life, they will be hurting too. You are not selfish enough to do that; because you love them too. And you won't hurt them.
2. Change is inevitable.
Change is an inevitable constant throughout life. There is nothing that you can do, you are entirely helpless against it. It can be good, bad, or indifferent. All you can do is roll with the punches and adapt to the new reality. Life will reward you for pushing through the tough times. It always has, you know this.
3. Look at all of the things you haven't achieved yet.
You have so much potential. Think about all the things you have left to learn, to do, to see! You haven't seen nearly enough of the earth and there are so many people you have left to meet. Including some of your own making. You have so many experiences left, don't throw them away. You were meant to live on this earth and you were given the chance to explore every corner you can.
4. You are not the sum of your mistakes and it is okay to regret things.
You are not the sum of your mistakes. You are the sum of all of the actions and choices you make. Mistake or not. And that is okay. You can regret choices that you've made, you can regret not doing something before it was too late. It just means that if you could go back you would do things differently. But don't dwell on that. You need to keep looking forward, carry on learning as much as you can. Be the best you that you can possibly be.
5. Your insecurities are usually just your mind playing tricks, talk about them.
It's fine to have insecurities. Everybody has some. But don't allow them to rule your mind. If something is seriously bothering you, talk to the one you trust about them and figure it out. It will make you feel better for it in the end. You know that your mind gets snarled up in the darkest of thoughts and you struggle to find the light. But that doesn't mean that there is no way out.
I've written this down because sometimes I find it difficult to remember these things. I have posted it on here, however, because if anybody ever reads this who is or has gone through the same thing and it saves them from themselves then it is worthwhile. You are strong. You are brave. You are a good person. And you are capable of so much more than you believe you are.
Friday, 17 July 2015
Dusty Thoughts.
Today I tried to write.
It has been so long since I channeled my creative writing that all of the ideas and inspiration have gone to sleep. I wandered around my brain, checking in on all of my creations. I have walked through the empty corridors of my mind and peered in past the old oak doors into the rooms of my creation. Most of them are dark, and when I turn on the lights, I find that my characters and their worlds have all curled up under dusty, white sheets. Dozing after remaining unvisited for quite a while.
I am not in the right head space to today. But don't worry, I will keep wandering. I will try again tomorrow and maybe... Maybe the morning sunlight streaming through my eyelashes and the warmth kissing my skin will give me the inspiration I need once more.
It has been so long since I channeled my creative writing that all of the ideas and inspiration have gone to sleep. I wandered around my brain, checking in on all of my creations. I have walked through the empty corridors of my mind and peered in past the old oak doors into the rooms of my creation. Most of them are dark, and when I turn on the lights, I find that my characters and their worlds have all curled up under dusty, white sheets. Dozing after remaining unvisited for quite a while.
I am not in the right head space to today. But don't worry, I will keep wandering. I will try again tomorrow and maybe... Maybe the morning sunlight streaming through my eyelashes and the warmth kissing my skin will give me the inspiration I need once more.
Tuesday, 30 June 2015
Grandma Marie.
Today we said our final goodbyes to you. It has been two weeks since you left us, and it still doesn't feel like it is reality. You battled for eight months with your lung cancer, and not once did you complain. You kept it to yourself and put on a brave and positive face for the rest of us.
You are truly and inspiriation.
There's little else to say, other than we love you and miss you, and we will until the day we meet again when we've all taken the trip over rainbow bridge. We can content ourselves with the fact that you are no longer in pain, breathing is no longer a struggle and that you are reunited with grandad Jim. I wish that I could have one more day with you, but I promise that I will do you proud.
Jaffa Cakes won't ever taste the same any more.
You are truly and inspiriation.
There's little else to say, other than we love you and miss you, and we will until the day we meet again when we've all taken the trip over rainbow bridge. We can content ourselves with the fact that you are no longer in pain, breathing is no longer a struggle and that you are reunited with grandad Jim. I wish that I could have one more day with you, but I promise that I will do you proud.
Jaffa Cakes won't ever taste the same any more.
Thursday, 16 April 2015
Effluence
It is a well known fact that I am sensitive. Too sensitive usually, the smallest of details bother me. And I don't mean that it will bother me for a short while and then I'll forget about it, I mean that I will obsess over it for days, probably weeks, maybe even months. I will turn it over in my mind, whether at the forefront or somewhere in the background, and I will pick it apart until I'm seeing all kinds of things that don't exist.
A passing comment, a look, body language, a reaction or lack thereof... Anything and everything can set my thoughts on fire and it so difficult to stop it and control it. I make up hidden meanings and reasonings behind it all, and despite knowing that I'm being blinded by paranoia I believe it anyway.
And so I need a lot of reassurance on a day to day basis. Because these imaginings make it difficult to see fact and to trust my instincts. And they trigger the anxiety attacks, the depression, the delusions, insecurities, thoughts of self destruction and disappearing...
But as much as I hate how sensitive I am because it makes me feel so weak, you take it away and what do I have left?
Without sensitivity I don't have my creativity, my ability to write and draw and photograph. You take away my empathy, my understanding for other creatures. You take away my intuition, my ability to appreciate all of the things that matter. My spirit, my passion, my awareness, my love, my vivid curiosity and innermost thoughts. You take away my conscience. My essence. All of the things that I don't despise and actually like about myself? Gone.
You take away my ability to flow. You take away my effluence.
A passing comment, a look, body language, a reaction or lack thereof... Anything and everything can set my thoughts on fire and it so difficult to stop it and control it. I make up hidden meanings and reasonings behind it all, and despite knowing that I'm being blinded by paranoia I believe it anyway.
And so I need a lot of reassurance on a day to day basis. Because these imaginings make it difficult to see fact and to trust my instincts. And they trigger the anxiety attacks, the depression, the delusions, insecurities, thoughts of self destruction and disappearing...
But as much as I hate how sensitive I am because it makes me feel so weak, you take it away and what do I have left?
Without sensitivity I don't have my creativity, my ability to write and draw and photograph. You take away my empathy, my understanding for other creatures. You take away my intuition, my ability to appreciate all of the things that matter. My spirit, my passion, my awareness, my love, my vivid curiosity and innermost thoughts. You take away my conscience. My essence. All of the things that I don't despise and actually like about myself? Gone.
You take away my ability to flow. You take away my effluence.
Wednesday, 25 February 2015
Sense of Smell
Smell is one of those things that can trigger powerful memories or images for people. It's also used to recognise one another, tell each apart by scent. It's a primitive and base thing, it's instinctual.
So what happens when someone doesn't smell the same any more? Someone who has been around all your life, who has always smelled the same. Someone who is moving on with an old family. A family that they had before you existed. A family with a little girl that may or may not be theirs. A little girl who makes alarm bells blare in your mind, who makes your every instinct scream that she is theirs. Because this person is a known liar, a hider, a planner. And because it "feels like coming home after popping out to the shop."
I'm tempted to tell them to go. To leave and go back 'home'. But leave EVERYONE they had here. Because they don't belong in that world. And because the past 23 years may as well be erased.
So what happens when someone doesn't smell the same any more? Someone who has been around all your life, who has always smelled the same. Someone who is moving on with an old family. A family that they had before you existed. A family with a little girl that may or may not be theirs. A little girl who makes alarm bells blare in your mind, who makes your every instinct scream that she is theirs. Because this person is a known liar, a hider, a planner. And because it "feels like coming home after popping out to the shop."
I'm tempted to tell them to go. To leave and go back 'home'. But leave EVERYONE they had here. Because they don't belong in that world. And because the past 23 years may as well be erased.
Sunday, 18 January 2015
From Underneath the Table Top
Life from underneath the table top is very different from life above the table top. When you are young enough, and small enough, to stand beneath the table top the world and everything in it feels so huge; when your perspective was far closer to the table leg than the table top and you couldn't see out of the kitchen window, even on your tiptoes, life and all it's contents felt infinite.
Things, objects, furniture, other people, they all seemed so much larger then than they do now. Like they have shrunk down into some miniature version of the memories that you hold in your head.
Your legs being too short for your feet to reach the floor when you sit in a chair. When that small portion of food you are holding was more than you could manage in one go. I remember the vacuum cleaner seeming like a monstrous beast that might come along and gobble me up if I let it get too close. I remember watching the water go down the drain and believing that the plug could suck me down as well if I didn't get out of the bathtub fast enough. Sitting on the floor was so much more fun when adults looked like giants from your small, floor side view. So was being small enough to sit comfortably in the washing machine. To have a head small enough to wear sauce pans as helmets. When no cardboard box was too small to hide in or wear. When you could happily run around all day everyday playing outside of the house in all weathers instead of staying cooped up. Adults, grandparents mainly, telling you stories about their life and trying so hard to retain as much of it as possible that you tended not at actually take it in. Stuffed toys being your best friends and getting dragged around on the floor as you take them along on your adventures. Being able to fit under the previously mentioned table top and having your own private little space there.
Having, not only the world underneath the table top, but also the world above the table top and the many colourful, intriguing, and sometimes scary worlds that your imagination could conjure all around you.
Sometimes, I like to sit on the floor; because that is as close as I can get now to seeing life from underneath the table top again.
Things, objects, furniture, other people, they all seemed so much larger then than they do now. Like they have shrunk down into some miniature version of the memories that you hold in your head.
Your legs being too short for your feet to reach the floor when you sit in a chair. When that small portion of food you are holding was more than you could manage in one go. I remember the vacuum cleaner seeming like a monstrous beast that might come along and gobble me up if I let it get too close. I remember watching the water go down the drain and believing that the plug could suck me down as well if I didn't get out of the bathtub fast enough. Sitting on the floor was so much more fun when adults looked like giants from your small, floor side view. So was being small enough to sit comfortably in the washing machine. To have a head small enough to wear sauce pans as helmets. When no cardboard box was too small to hide in or wear. When you could happily run around all day everyday playing outside of the house in all weathers instead of staying cooped up. Adults, grandparents mainly, telling you stories about their life and trying so hard to retain as much of it as possible that you tended not at actually take it in. Stuffed toys being your best friends and getting dragged around on the floor as you take them along on your adventures. Being able to fit under the previously mentioned table top and having your own private little space there.
Having, not only the world underneath the table top, but also the world above the table top and the many colourful, intriguing, and sometimes scary worlds that your imagination could conjure all around you.
Sometimes, I like to sit on the floor; because that is as close as I can get now to seeing life from underneath the table top again.
Wednesday, 31 December 2014
2014 Review
Well. Where to start? I ended last year with a quote. "Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one." I think I accomplished it. 2014 has certainly been a long and busy one. I saw a fox in it's natural habitat for the first time. I saw my first shooting star. I found my person and started my family.
I'm not going to stand around letting people do whatever they want to me or the people I care about the most without ramifications. I'm tired of staying quiet and fighting from the sidelines. I'm not going to do that any more. People will absolutely know where they stand with me, and I won't beg for them to stick around. I have the people I want, I don't need any more.
One thing I will say is that it has been better than 2013 by far. I've learned a lot, I've cried a lot, I've struggled a lot. But I've laughed a whole lot more, and I've smiled genuine smiles! I have been so much happier.
I'm going to carry on improving myself, carry on building my family. I want to push myself to get up early again, no lying in bed unless I'm sick, I want to see the sunrise. I'm going to get back into exercising and eating and drinking better. I will continue to write; my journal, my stories, my book. I'm going to make the time for walks again; on my own, with friends, with my husband, with a dog. I'm going to take more photos and draw more pictures. I'm going to continue studying Japan; the language, history, culture, and Shintoism. I will be even braver, even stronger and even more confident.
2013 was the year of survival. 2014 has been the year of change. 2015 will be the year of acceleration. Let's write another good book.
I'm not going to stand around letting people do whatever they want to me or the people I care about the most without ramifications. I'm tired of staying quiet and fighting from the sidelines. I'm not going to do that any more. People will absolutely know where they stand with me, and I won't beg for them to stick around. I have the people I want, I don't need any more.
One thing I will say is that it has been better than 2013 by far. I've learned a lot, I've cried a lot, I've struggled a lot. But I've laughed a whole lot more, and I've smiled genuine smiles! I have been so much happier.
I'm going to carry on improving myself, carry on building my family. I want to push myself to get up early again, no lying in bed unless I'm sick, I want to see the sunrise. I'm going to get back into exercising and eating and drinking better. I will continue to write; my journal, my stories, my book. I'm going to make the time for walks again; on my own, with friends, with my husband, with a dog. I'm going to take more photos and draw more pictures. I'm going to continue studying Japan; the language, history, culture, and Shintoism. I will be even braver, even stronger and even more confident.
2013 was the year of survival. 2014 has been the year of change. 2015 will be the year of acceleration. Let's write another good book.
Monday, 22 December 2014
Exhausted
I am so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally shattered.
My mind took me to a very very dark place the other night. To a depth that I hadn't reached before. I never want to go that far again. It was... Disturbing.
So much is in disarray at the moment. Most of the time I don't know whether I'm coming or going and I have to take each hour as it comes simply to survive right now.
I miss my dog, my safety blanket. Having him ripped away from me felt awful. And now every time I get him it doesn't feel right, like I can't make it the way I used to. This hurts like hell.
I think I need to cling to a new safety blanket.
My mind took me to a very very dark place the other night. To a depth that I hadn't reached before. I never want to go that far again. It was... Disturbing.
So much is in disarray at the moment. Most of the time I don't know whether I'm coming or going and I have to take each hour as it comes simply to survive right now.
I miss my dog, my safety blanket. Having him ripped away from me felt awful. And now every time I get him it doesn't feel right, like I can't make it the way I used to. This hurts like hell.
I think I need to cling to a new safety blanket.
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