“Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book.
Write a good one.”
Tuesday, 31 December 2013
Monday, 16 December 2013
Lessons Learned
I have learned a lot over this past year, through all of my fake smiles and unseen tears. I learned that friends are not always for ever. And true love does not always last. You have the good memories that will stay with you, but they always go by too fast. However, there will be someone. Someone, who is always there. Someone that honestly does care about you. Life is a battle, and you won't get out alive. So a lot of the time it may not seem worth it to fight. But those people. The ones who stick by you. They are the ones that make the struggle bearable. Maybe even worthwhile.
Friday, 15 November 2013
A Leap of Faith
I'm all about improving myself and becoming the best me I possibly can be. I'm always trying to find ways to confront my fears, in the hope that I can combat them and maybe even obliterate them so that I am no longer scared.
The thing is, I'm scared of so much. From your typical ones like heights, needles, moths and such... Then I have some major life affecting ones such as commitment, opening up about myself, or showing how I'm feeling and accepting help. Then I have the mighty strange ones, like ladders or cotton wool. These are just a few, but you can see my point, right?
I took a leap of faith yesterday. I've had a fear of committing myself for a while now, and that comes hand in hand with a fear of loving someone. I've been trying to tell myself that I'm not in love for the longest time. I've been trying to deny it, and distract myself from it. And I have to say I was doing pretty well...
But recently, I've had a hard time. A hard time at home, and a hard time with work. It's just not been great. But the person that I've been trying to deny my love for has been there for me every day making sure that I'm okay and cheering me up endlessly. They have been an unfailing support system for me.
My last wall crumbled. I realised how stupid I was being. If you want something, go for it. I can't carry being so afraid. I took the leap. I'm in a relationship and I am absolutely petrified. But so far, it has been worth the fear.
My next move is to go toe to toe with my fear of needles. No, I'm not going to shoot myself up with hard drugs. I'm getting my first tattoo.
I'm ready to be brave.
The thing is, I'm scared of so much. From your typical ones like heights, needles, moths and such... Then I have some major life affecting ones such as commitment, opening up about myself, or showing how I'm feeling and accepting help. Then I have the mighty strange ones, like ladders or cotton wool. These are just a few, but you can see my point, right?
I took a leap of faith yesterday. I've had a fear of committing myself for a while now, and that comes hand in hand with a fear of loving someone. I've been trying to tell myself that I'm not in love for the longest time. I've been trying to deny it, and distract myself from it. And I have to say I was doing pretty well...
But recently, I've had a hard time. A hard time at home, and a hard time with work. It's just not been great. But the person that I've been trying to deny my love for has been there for me every day making sure that I'm okay and cheering me up endlessly. They have been an unfailing support system for me.
My last wall crumbled. I realised how stupid I was being. If you want something, go for it. I can't carry being so afraid. I took the leap. I'm in a relationship and I am absolutely petrified. But so far, it has been worth the fear.
My next move is to go toe to toe with my fear of needles. No, I'm not going to shoot myself up with hard drugs. I'm getting my first tattoo.
I'm ready to be brave.
Friday, 8 November 2013
Why animals?
I got asked a question today, from one of my closest friends that I've known for years. They asked "Why animals?" As in, why did you choose to have a job in the animal sector?
At first, I didn't quite know what to say. I just thought 'Why not animals?' But then I really thought about it for a moment, and asked myself, deep down, why is it that I chose to find a job and make a living by working with animals. In the end I typed this -
"Because I prefer the company of animals to my own species. Not just because we're shitty and broken and destroy most things we touch, but because I feel more alive, and more relaxed in who I am when I'm in the company of an animal. It was animals that gave me the comfort, security and confidence in myself to come out of my shell and start talking to other people and to explore friendships. I've always had a natural talent in forging a bond with animals and winning over their trust, I've always on some level understood them better than humans. And now that I'm learning more and more about their behaviour and habits and why they act certain ways some times and not at others I can make those bonds stronger than ever before. It's complete bullshit that you can't tell what an animal is thinking, you just need to spend enough time with it and you'll learn how. And I can teach others how to do that and how to form those strong bonds. Because, to me, that bond, being able to communicate with another creature that doesn't have the same language, and that unwavering love you can get from it is the most beautiful thing in the world. And I would rather spend my whole life with animals by my side and no member of my own species, than spend it without any at all, because I owe a lot of who I am to them."
At first, I didn't quite know what to say. I just thought 'Why not animals?' But then I really thought about it for a moment, and asked myself, deep down, why is it that I chose to find a job and make a living by working with animals. In the end I typed this -
"Because I prefer the company of animals to my own species. Not just because we're shitty and broken and destroy most things we touch, but because I feel more alive, and more relaxed in who I am when I'm in the company of an animal. It was animals that gave me the comfort, security and confidence in myself to come out of my shell and start talking to other people and to explore friendships. I've always had a natural talent in forging a bond with animals and winning over their trust, I've always on some level understood them better than humans. And now that I'm learning more and more about their behaviour and habits and why they act certain ways some times and not at others I can make those bonds stronger than ever before. It's complete bullshit that you can't tell what an animal is thinking, you just need to spend enough time with it and you'll learn how. And I can teach others how to do that and how to form those strong bonds. Because, to me, that bond, being able to communicate with another creature that doesn't have the same language, and that unwavering love you can get from it is the most beautiful thing in the world. And I would rather spend my whole life with animals by my side and no member of my own species, than spend it without any at all, because I owe a lot of who I am to them."
Sunday, 20 October 2013
Just a thought...
If you're lying in bed
wrapped up in sheets
of miserable thought,
Go to sleep.
If thumbing through old messages
only causes your heart to ache
and long for something unattainable,
Erase them.
If it hurts to keep
everything you're feeling
bottled up inside,
Let it out.
If you're clinging onto someone
that doesn't treat you like
you're worth the world,
Let them go.
Because sometimes
we choose to believe
that things are only
indistinguishable shades of gray
when in reality,
life is more black and white
than it seems.
If you're unhappy
with the way
you are living your life,
Change it.
-- m.k.
Thursday, 3 October 2013
Feelings
I hate how you make me feel. How I'm a contrasting and contorted mixture of happiness, fear, longing jealousy, loneliness, sadness, hope, delight, helplessness, and excitement all at once.
I am so confused and I feel so disgusted by myself for feeding these emotions at every opportunity I can. Because every time I see you it's just more fuel on the fire. And this fire is already white hot.
I am so confused and I feel so disgusted by myself for feeding these emotions at every opportunity I can. Because every time I see you it's just more fuel on the fire. And this fire is already white hot.
Crippling Fear
You consume my thoughts day and night. I want to stop thinking about you.
When I know that you're with friends I get insanely and immaturely jealous. I want to spend time with you.
I miss you constantly when I'm not with you. I wish I could stop noticing your absence.
I try to do things to impress you. I am so pathetic.
I try and tempt you to see me instead when I know that you have plans. It really hurts every time you refuse.
I do things I don't want to do in an attempt to keep you around. I'm scared I won't be enough without it.
I am so scared of all these feelings. I'm scared you will run from me in the end.
When I know that you're with friends I get insanely and immaturely jealous. I want to spend time with you.
I miss you constantly when I'm not with you. I wish I could stop noticing your absence.
I try to do things to impress you. I am so pathetic.
I try and tempt you to see me instead when I know that you have plans. It really hurts every time you refuse.
I do things I don't want to do in an attempt to keep you around. I'm scared I won't be enough without it.
I am so scared of all these feelings. I'm scared you will run from me in the end.
Thursday, 26 September 2013
Getting Knocked Back
There's something that I'm trying to take steps forward to achieve. I'm not sure if it's the right thing, but I won't know whether it is or not until I reach it.
But there's a problem, as there so often is...
I get so much progress made. So much, that I can see myself about to reach my goal. But then something will happen... And I'm knocked back right to the beginning of it all. All of the hard work that I've put into getting there ends up being for nothing.
This keeps happening over, and over, and over again.
I don't know whether this is the universe's way of telling me that I shouldn't do it, or that it's saying that once I do get there it will be worth the battle.
But there's a problem, as there so often is...
I get so much progress made. So much, that I can see myself about to reach my goal. But then something will happen... And I'm knocked back right to the beginning of it all. All of the hard work that I've put into getting there ends up being for nothing.
This keeps happening over, and over, and over again.
I don't know whether this is the universe's way of telling me that I shouldn't do it, or that it's saying that once I do get there it will be worth the battle.
Friday, 2 August 2013
What do you do...
...when all you want to is curl up and cry until your eyes are red, and sore, and puffy? Until your face is all blotchy and cut across with mini rivers? Until your breaths come harsh and ragged?
I want to scream and tear my hair out. I want to smash things, break something. Someone. I want to jump around and release all of the anger, stress, tension, and sadness I have built up inside me.
I want a hug, but there's nobody around to make me feel better. There's nobody to ease my pain.
I need someone to make me feel safe again. I'm tired of feeling like I'm on edge. I'm tired of feeling like I need to run away and having to force myself to stay put. I want to feel safe and wanted in the shelter someone's arms. I want to feel like I'm home.
I want to go home...
I want to scream and tear my hair out. I want to smash things, break something. Someone. I want to jump around and release all of the anger, stress, tension, and sadness I have built up inside me.
I want a hug, but there's nobody around to make me feel better. There's nobody to ease my pain.
I need someone to make me feel safe again. I'm tired of feeling like I'm on edge. I'm tired of feeling like I need to run away and having to force myself to stay put. I want to feel safe and wanted in the shelter someone's arms. I want to feel like I'm home.
I want to go home...
Saturday, 27 July 2013
Things that I wish I could say out loud.
These are little things that I've mulled over in my brain, some for many years. The letter stands for one of each person's initial. They shall all remain that way, because I want to keep each person they are written to a secret. Some people who know that will come to read may think they know who some of the people are. But trust me when I say, no you don't. These are the things that I will keep quiet about because I will never be able to say them to the person's face, for one reason or another...
T.
Do you not trust me? I have told you so much over the years we've known one another. I've discussed with you so many things that I would rather stay secret. You have a secret that you're keeping from me. You don't know that I know yet. I'm waiting to see if you ever tell me. I'm waiting to see why you're hiding it from me. Until then I won't trust you with anything else at all.
P.
You talk too much. Waaaay too much. Do you always steal things from other people? Why are you so afraid to show the real you to the world?
C.
I hate you. I hate you so much. I stand to hear your voice, or be near enough for you to touch me. You make my skin crawl and I wish that I could get away with never seeing you, ever again.
M.
I hope you know what you're doing. Don't fall, and be careful.
J.
I’m sorry that I was so prejudice against you. This is the only one that I’ve actually tried to say, but I know if I try to say it again you would shut me down and tell me to forget about it again. You’re a really awesome person and I’m sorry that it took me so long to see it.
D.
I love you. And I know that you love me too. We never say that to each other do we? I am so thankful to have had you in my life. There is something that I want to confess... You're my favourite.
M.
I really don't know how I feel about you. Sometimes I hate you with a passion, and I never want to see you again. Sometimes I don't. I think this shall pass, with time.
S.
Don’t you dare hurt her.
D.
I remember the first time I saw you. I remember the first time we spoke to one another. I remember the first time that we smiled and laughed together. I remember the first time we realised we had a lot in common. But I don't remember why you didn't want to stay.
C.
You've betrayed me, and you don't even know it.
L.
Go take a shower you filthy idiot. You smell like a rotting foot! An odour that is most unpleasant, especially when it lingers long after you've gone!
M.
It really hurt when you left you know? There was a time when I thought we might be in each other's lives forever. But I can see how shallow and naive you really are. You always have been, it just took a while for me to realise it. And now, even though I think you're a good person, I'm quite glad that we have grown apart.
E.
I don't quite know what to make of you. I don't even know you, but I do know that I could never ever trust you. I do suspect that you're fucked up on the inside. Not in the crazy way, in the bad way. I guess, if I ever got the chance to meet you and to talk to you I would ask you what you would have done. Or at least, I would want to, but the fear of knowing the truth would keep me quiet.
J.
I will always have nightmares about you. You were one of the people that messed me up beyond fixing. Sometimes I wish that we had never met. For years I have wished that we had never met, because my life you have been so much happier that way.
D.
What the fuck do you think you are playing at, acting the way that you are? You're a fully grown adult, and much older than I am, yet you have been acting like a spoilt child that can't get their own way! Grow the fuck up because you're hurting everyone around you! You're losing us. Stop running away.
K.
If I ever got the chance, I would gladly cave in your skull with a hammer.
S.
It has been so great watching you grow into such an amazing person. Even though we don't see one another often, you will always be one of my closest friends. I am so glad that we've been talking more regularly again recently. I have really missed you.
L.
I loved you once, I love you still. But you will never know.
T.
Do you not trust me? I have told you so much over the years we've known one another. I've discussed with you so many things that I would rather stay secret. You have a secret that you're keeping from me. You don't know that I know yet. I'm waiting to see if you ever tell me. I'm waiting to see why you're hiding it from me. Until then I won't trust you with anything else at all.
P.
You talk too much. Waaaay too much. Do you always steal things from other people? Why are you so afraid to show the real you to the world?
C.
I hate you. I hate you so much. I stand to hear your voice, or be near enough for you to touch me. You make my skin crawl and I wish that I could get away with never seeing you, ever again.
M.
I hope you know what you're doing. Don't fall, and be careful.
J.
I’m sorry that I was so prejudice against you. This is the only one that I’ve actually tried to say, but I know if I try to say it again you would shut me down and tell me to forget about it again. You’re a really awesome person and I’m sorry that it took me so long to see it.
D.
I love you. And I know that you love me too. We never say that to each other do we? I am so thankful to have had you in my life. There is something that I want to confess... You're my favourite.
M.
I really don't know how I feel about you. Sometimes I hate you with a passion, and I never want to see you again. Sometimes I don't. I think this shall pass, with time.
S.
Don’t you dare hurt her.
D.
I remember the first time I saw you. I remember the first time we spoke to one another. I remember the first time that we smiled and laughed together. I remember the first time we realised we had a lot in common. But I don't remember why you didn't want to stay.
C.
You've betrayed me, and you don't even know it.
L.
Go take a shower you filthy idiot. You smell like a rotting foot! An odour that is most unpleasant, especially when it lingers long after you've gone!
M.
It really hurt when you left you know? There was a time when I thought we might be in each other's lives forever. But I can see how shallow and naive you really are. You always have been, it just took a while for me to realise it. And now, even though I think you're a good person, I'm quite glad that we have grown apart.
E.
I don't quite know what to make of you. I don't even know you, but I do know that I could never ever trust you. I do suspect that you're fucked up on the inside. Not in the crazy way, in the bad way. I guess, if I ever got the chance to meet you and to talk to you I would ask you what you would have done. Or at least, I would want to, but the fear of knowing the truth would keep me quiet.
J.
I will always have nightmares about you. You were one of the people that messed me up beyond fixing. Sometimes I wish that we had never met. For years I have wished that we had never met, because my life you have been so much happier that way.
D.
What the fuck do you think you are playing at, acting the way that you are? You're a fully grown adult, and much older than I am, yet you have been acting like a spoilt child that can't get their own way! Grow the fuck up because you're hurting everyone around you! You're losing us. Stop running away.
K.
If I ever got the chance, I would gladly cave in your skull with a hammer.
S.
It has been so great watching you grow into such an amazing person. Even though we don't see one another often, you will always be one of my closest friends. I am so glad that we've been talking more regularly again recently. I have really missed you.
L.
I loved you once, I love you still. But you will never know.
Friday, 26 July 2013
I think odd things
If sex was merely a way to reproduce and not a recreational activity, how people that we all know today wouldn't exist? Furthermore, what inventions would we be without because their creators weren't around to discover them?
Thursday, 20 June 2013
UGH.
What are you playing at?
What is your game?
What do you want?
What do I blame?
You're seeing someone else,
Now this I know.
You wanted this to end,
You wanted to go!
But now you're back,
And you're saying all these things...
Why won't you stop?
Do you know how much this stings?
You had all this power,
You wanted to rule me.
This time I won't let you in,
So will you just let be?
-Effy
Wednesday, 19 June 2013
What is the key...
...to getting over your past hurts? I have one in particular, that I thought I had quelled. But I am ashamed to say it has resurfaced. It keeps rearing it's ugly head to taunt and torment me, and I don't know how to stop it this time.
I'm trying to keep my focus forward, on the future. But every so often I catch the whisper of it in the back in my skull. It's like I'm trying to catch smoke, with nothing but a fishing net.
I just wish it would leave me alone.
I'm trying to keep my focus forward, on the future. But every so often I catch the whisper of it in the back in my skull. It's like I'm trying to catch smoke, with nothing but a fishing net.
I just wish it would leave me alone.
Tuesday, 18 June 2013
Revelation
I've taken a lot of time to myself recently. Time to think about what I want, who I want to share my life and myself with, and time to heal my heart again.
During this time, I've had a lot of moments where I sit back and just think things through. I've had a really good chance to sift through my thoughts, my memories, and my feelings. And through doing this, I've had a revelation.
I liked you, I really, really liked you. I got my hopes up that we might be something, because, let's face it, you charmed me. You said that I didn't put in enough effort, that I didn't try hard enough. At first I believed it was all my fault that it didn't work out. But now that I've had a lot of time away from you and everyone else so that I can think clearly I can see that you are being a complete hypocrite.
I tried so hard to make us something. It was YOU. You were the one that didn't try. I let you in, past my walls, but you didn't even try to let me through yours. You then manipulated me into believing that I was the one to blame. You made me feel like shit. You brought back my depression, you brought back my demons. I'm not upset any more. I'm mad. In fact, I am livid, and I want revenge.
Next time you point the finger, I'll point you to the mirror.
During this time, I've had a lot of moments where I sit back and just think things through. I've had a really good chance to sift through my thoughts, my memories, and my feelings. And through doing this, I've had a revelation.
I liked you, I really, really liked you. I got my hopes up that we might be something, because, let's face it, you charmed me. You said that I didn't put in enough effort, that I didn't try hard enough. At first I believed it was all my fault that it didn't work out. But now that I've had a lot of time away from you and everyone else so that I can think clearly I can see that you are being a complete hypocrite.
I tried so hard to make us something. It was YOU. You were the one that didn't try. I let you in, past my walls, but you didn't even try to let me through yours. You then manipulated me into believing that I was the one to blame. You made me feel like shit. You brought back my depression, you brought back my demons. I'm not upset any more. I'm mad. In fact, I am livid, and I want revenge.
Next time you point the finger, I'll point you to the mirror.
Monday, 3 June 2013
Thank you
Thank you for being there when I felt like I had nobody I could turn to.
Thank you for helping to find my path again.
Thank you for helping and healing my heart.
Thank you for pushing me through the tough times.
And thank you for giving me unforgettable memories along the way.
I literally love you to the moon and back.
Thank you.
Thank you for helping to find my path again.
Thank you for helping and healing my heart.
Thank you for pushing me through the tough times.
And thank you for giving me unforgettable memories along the way.
I literally love you to the moon and back.
Thank you.
Sunday, 2 June 2013
But...
What do I do?
Which do I choose?
A life waiting for the person whom I love unconditionally but know deep down will never feel the same way about me?
Or...
A life with the person who loves me unconditionally when I know I will never feel the same way about them again?
Which do I choose?
A life waiting for the person whom I love unconditionally but know deep down will never feel the same way about me?
Or...
A life with the person who loves me unconditionally when I know I will never feel the same way about them again?
Sunday, 26 May 2013
----
"I don't know if I'll ever get you out of my system, not completely. I have... this feeling. That you'll always be there. Here."
- Jenny Han
- Jenny Han
Wednesday, 22 May 2013
All I Wanted Was You...
There is one question that keeps buzzing around my mind.
What am I looking for in a future partner?
This is the question that is haunting my thoughts every second that I'm not distracting myself from it.
So what am I looking for?
Well, I want someone who will show me they care, and keep showing me they care as long as we're together.
I want someone who is kind to me, who can make me laugh and smile.
Someone who will cheer me up on my dark days.
Someone who will hold me after a particularly bad nightmare and "I'm here, don't worry. I've got you."
Someone who will join me for long walks.
Someone who is willing to travel the world with me, learning new things as we go and explore new cultures and people.
Someone who loves animals just as much as I do and is willing to allow me to have a whole pack of dogs.
I want someone who will listen and understand me. Or try to at least.
I want someone who will hold me when I cry, and not saying anything. Just wait for tears to stop and then try and find my smile again.
Someone who will understand that I will open up to them about my problems in my own time.
I want someone who reads a lot of books so that we can swap our favourites and discuss them together.
Someone who will understand that I sometimes need my space, sometimes I need to be alone.
Above all, I want somebody who I can show the real me. Someone who will accept that person and all of the flaws and complications that come with it.
What am I looking for in a future partner?
This is the question that is haunting my thoughts every second that I'm not distracting myself from it.
So what am I looking for?
Well, I want someone who will show me they care, and keep showing me they care as long as we're together.
I want someone who is kind to me, who can make me laugh and smile.
Someone who will cheer me up on my dark days.
Someone who will hold me after a particularly bad nightmare and "I'm here, don't worry. I've got you."
Someone who will join me for long walks.
Someone who is willing to travel the world with me, learning new things as we go and explore new cultures and people.
Someone who loves animals just as much as I do and is willing to allow me to have a whole pack of dogs.
I want someone who will listen and understand me. Or try to at least.
I want someone who will hold me when I cry, and not saying anything. Just wait for tears to stop and then try and find my smile again.
Someone who will understand that I will open up to them about my problems in my own time.
I want someone who reads a lot of books so that we can swap our favourites and discuss them together.
Someone who will understand that I sometimes need my space, sometimes I need to be alone.
Above all, I want somebody who I can show the real me. Someone who will accept that person and all of the flaws and complications that come with it.
Monday, 20 May 2013
Someone New...
I want to talk to someone new.
Someone interesting.
I want to start fresh from hello and get to know every little detail about them.
Someone who will talk to me in the middle of the night and who will make me smile.
There doesn't have to be an attraction.
I just want someone new and exciting.
Someone different.
Just someone to explore.
Someone who will allow me to figure them out.
And who wants to figure me out in return.
Saturday, 18 May 2013
--
I am riddled with diseases,
though none that you can see.
Demons attack me from my insides,
I wish they would let me be.
-Effy Ashton.
Saturday, 11 May 2013
End of Something Good...
Well, we didn't last long. Yes I was falling in love with you, and it really does hurt that we're just going to continue as friends. But it is for the best.
You'll probably never read this, but thank you. You helped to heal me after I was broken. You don't believe me, and you don't believe that I wanted anything to come from us. That hurts, but I'll take it because, to be honest, you never got to know me all that well.
It was great being with you like that. I never thought you would even look at me, let alone allow me into your life. I hope we can be good friends.
Thank you, again.
You'll probably never read this, but thank you. You helped to heal me after I was broken. You don't believe me, and you don't believe that I wanted anything to come from us. That hurts, but I'll take it because, to be honest, you never got to know me all that well.
It was great being with you like that. I never thought you would even look at me, let alone allow me into your life. I hope we can be good friends.
Thank you, again.
Saturday, 4 May 2013
What's wrong?
Oh, I'm just tired, that's all.
Tired of feeling like I'm not good enough,
Tired of trying and not getting any credit,
Tired of feeling like I'm getting nowhere,
Tired of getting put down,
Tired of being left behind,
Tired of being given up on,
Tired of feeling like I'm waiting around for things that will never happen,
Tired of being disappointed,
Tired of caring too much,
Tired of insecurities,
Tired of being unconfident,
Tired of being tired.
I'm just tired, that's all...
Thursday, 25 April 2013
Sometimes...
...I pause in everything that I'm doing. I just stop, dead. I do this, because I need to take a moment of inner silence and contemplation. Everything on the outside quickly becomes hazy, and I take little to none of it in. On the outside I probably appear to be deep within a daydream. On the inside, however, everything is swirling around. Memories, churning and throwing themselves at me.
In these moments I realise just how much has changed in the few months that have made up this year so far. I realise how much I have lost, but also how much I have gained. I notice how much, and what ways I have grown into myself.
I have to take a few moments by myself afterwards to regain control of my overwhelmed self. To regain my composure and come back from my inner world of memories and unachievable dreams.
In these moments I realise just how much has changed in the few months that have made up this year so far. I realise how much I have lost, but also how much I have gained. I notice how much, and what ways I have grown into myself.
I have to take a few moments by myself afterwards to regain control of my overwhelmed self. To regain my composure and come back from my inner world of memories and unachievable dreams.
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Progress Report
I'm finding myself. I am actually finding out who I am, and what I want without being defined by another person. The sheer joy this knowledge brings to me is something I can't even begin to describe.
I was lost. So incredibly lost. To tell you the truth, I lost myself a long time ago, and that me is never coming back. I found my feet moving further away from where I wanted them to be; it started off slowly, gradual and calm, until it progressed into something more, fast and frantic that resembled an avalanche. I watched as I took off running, tripping and stumbling along the way down a path I knew I shouldn't be taking. When I eventually managed to come to a stop and take a look around, I didn't know what to do. In the end I sort of just sat around; waiting, hoping, something would happen, something that would rescue me. I suppose, in a twisted way, something did. It wasn't something that I would ever have wished to happen, but looking back, a part of me is glad that it did.
I am a haunted person. I am haunted by these people, these places; the ones that have always held memories for me, both happy and sad, and everything in between. The words of a past lover floating through my head, the marks from fingerprints they've left against my skin that only I can see. I am haunted by the idea of something real, something I've only felt once before during a time that feels like it was years ago, when really it was only a few months. I am haunted by the idea of him and me, all the things we never got to see, the things I never told him. I think he'll always be the ghost that haunts me.
I guess at least I know now that I tried to make it change, tried to make myself change... I tried and I failed. I failed because my offer to stand up and fight for what I wanted was knocked aside. I was given up on and pushed to move on, alone. I didn't think that I could do it, but I did. Now I can attempt to abolish the painful 'what ifs' that poison my thoughts. The memories I have will only ever be memories now. The lingering nostalgia will merely float around in my atmosphere, never again adding up to anything.
Is this closure? I think so. Am I nostalgic or sad? I can't tell any more. The two states of mind are intertwined, just like he and I were all those months ago. I will always miss him, I guess that's just how it's going to be. I opened my heart to him more than I have ever done with anyone before, so this must be something that comes in the same package deal.
Five weeks ago I started to fall in love again. I'm falling in love with a man that is quite a few years older than me. Who has kind eyes and soft skin. A man who is such a gentleman. He has changed a lot of things for me and helped me to find myself. I think I might have helped him in the same way in return. He has taught me new things daily, and he has showed me that you have to grab life by the horns and do what you can, while you can.
I think of him a lot of the time; when the sun is beaming through the trees or when the world falls silent around me in the early morning hours. I think of him when I hear a motorbike driving by, or when I see a tattooed person. I think of him in bits and pieces, fragments and broken up memories that have gotten trapped in between all the lines of my favourite songs. I think of him in those fleeting moments of beauty life has to offer, because to me, he is one of those moments of beauty. Hopefully not so fleeting. But if that is how it is to be, I will always be thankful for what he has done for me.
I'm healing now. I'm starting to regain the ability to play video games for an extended period of time rather than turning one on, staring at it for a few minutes then switching it off again. I can listen to some of the old songs that churn up memories of a time now passed. I can watch the films and shows he and I used to curl up and watch together. I can draw again, and I can write again.
I took time. Time to figure myself out. Time to realise what it is I want. Time to forget, to forgive. Time to take risks. Time to love again. Time to be afraid. Time to keep opening these wounds. Because that is what I had to do to heal.
I am ready to let go now. Be freed, my heart. You are your own again. Be swift, be cautious. There are a lot of bad things out there and they will not hesitate to hurt you. But don't be so cautious that you never feel anything, or you never let anyone so deep into the recesses of your being. You are worth more than that, dear heart. I promise that I shall not be so careless with you from now on.
This post was more for my benefit than to explain anything. I needed to get this off my chest to make it feel more real, I guess. I'll get back to 'Facts and Explanations' shortly.
Until then...
Adieu.
I was lost. So incredibly lost. To tell you the truth, I lost myself a long time ago, and that me is never coming back. I found my feet moving further away from where I wanted them to be; it started off slowly, gradual and calm, until it progressed into something more, fast and frantic that resembled an avalanche. I watched as I took off running, tripping and stumbling along the way down a path I knew I shouldn't be taking. When I eventually managed to come to a stop and take a look around, I didn't know what to do. In the end I sort of just sat around; waiting, hoping, something would happen, something that would rescue me. I suppose, in a twisted way, something did. It wasn't something that I would ever have wished to happen, but looking back, a part of me is glad that it did.
I am a haunted person. I am haunted by these people, these places; the ones that have always held memories for me, both happy and sad, and everything in between. The words of a past lover floating through my head, the marks from fingerprints they've left against my skin that only I can see. I am haunted by the idea of something real, something I've only felt once before during a time that feels like it was years ago, when really it was only a few months. I am haunted by the idea of him and me, all the things we never got to see, the things I never told him. I think he'll always be the ghost that haunts me.
I guess at least I know now that I tried to make it change, tried to make myself change... I tried and I failed. I failed because my offer to stand up and fight for what I wanted was knocked aside. I was given up on and pushed to move on, alone. I didn't think that I could do it, but I did. Now I can attempt to abolish the painful 'what ifs' that poison my thoughts. The memories I have will only ever be memories now. The lingering nostalgia will merely float around in my atmosphere, never again adding up to anything.
Is this closure? I think so. Am I nostalgic or sad? I can't tell any more. The two states of mind are intertwined, just like he and I were all those months ago. I will always miss him, I guess that's just how it's going to be. I opened my heart to him more than I have ever done with anyone before, so this must be something that comes in the same package deal.
Five weeks ago I started to fall in love again. I'm falling in love with a man that is quite a few years older than me. Who has kind eyes and soft skin. A man who is such a gentleman. He has changed a lot of things for me and helped me to find myself. I think I might have helped him in the same way in return. He has taught me new things daily, and he has showed me that you have to grab life by the horns and do what you can, while you can.
I think of him a lot of the time; when the sun is beaming through the trees or when the world falls silent around me in the early morning hours. I think of him when I hear a motorbike driving by, or when I see a tattooed person. I think of him in bits and pieces, fragments and broken up memories that have gotten trapped in between all the lines of my favourite songs. I think of him in those fleeting moments of beauty life has to offer, because to me, he is one of those moments of beauty. Hopefully not so fleeting. But if that is how it is to be, I will always be thankful for what he has done for me.
I'm healing now. I'm starting to regain the ability to play video games for an extended period of time rather than turning one on, staring at it for a few minutes then switching it off again. I can listen to some of the old songs that churn up memories of a time now passed. I can watch the films and shows he and I used to curl up and watch together. I can draw again, and I can write again.
I took time. Time to figure myself out. Time to realise what it is I want. Time to forget, to forgive. Time to take risks. Time to love again. Time to be afraid. Time to keep opening these wounds. Because that is what I had to do to heal.
I am ready to let go now. Be freed, my heart. You are your own again. Be swift, be cautious. There are a lot of bad things out there and they will not hesitate to hurt you. But don't be so cautious that you never feel anything, or you never let anyone so deep into the recesses of your being. You are worth more than that, dear heart. I promise that I shall not be so careless with you from now on.
This post was more for my benefit than to explain anything. I needed to get this off my chest to make it feel more real, I guess. I'll get back to 'Facts and Explanations' shortly.
Until then...
Adieu.
Thursday, 11 April 2013
- - -
The door may be closed but it's not locked. If you knock, I will answer with a smile and greet you warmly.
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
#Intermission!
Sorry I haven't updated the past couple of days. Saturday was family time, Sunday I just couldn't bring myself to do it, Monday was also family time then time out with friends, and today I was just plain busy. Won't be updating tomorrow either due to the fact I'm out tonight and won't be home until sometime tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be back Thursday, but I can't make any promises.
ADIEU!
ADIEU!
Friday, 29 March 2013
Facts and Explanations - Part 3
Just a quick one today, I have other things to do this evening - namely sleep!
Number 3. "I am very indecisive"
This is a serious problem that I have. There is barely anything I can decide on for myself. And I mean ANYTHING. From what to do, where to go, whether I should go or not... Choosing a film is a major chore for me. If there's even the slightest chance I can get somebody else to decide for me, I will make them.
My last thought before actually deciding something myself? FUCK IT.
Very quick one today... I'll make tomorrow's longer. I promise.
Until then... Adieu.
Number 3. "I am very indecisive"
This is a serious problem that I have. There is barely anything I can decide on for myself. And I mean ANYTHING. From what to do, where to go, whether I should go or not... Choosing a film is a major chore for me. If there's even the slightest chance I can get somebody else to decide for me, I will make them.
My last thought before actually deciding something myself? FUCK IT.
Very quick one today... I'll make tomorrow's longer. I promise.
Until then... Adieu.
Thursday, 28 March 2013
Facts and Explanations - Part 2
This is the second installment to my facts and explanations series, as the title suggests. This one involves something that I rarely tell anybody. It is something I have trouble admitting and talking about to anyone.
Number 2. "I hate that I suffer from depression and that I get SAD in the winter"
Depression. It is a truly terrible thing to suffer from. SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) isn't a walk in the park either. But both are even harder to cope with when your version of depression is warped by mental issues. Yes, that's right, I have mental issues too.
I was originally diagnosed with Schizophrenia. That was wrong. Then I was diagnosed as being Bipolar. That was wrong too. I've finally been correctly diagnosed with Psychosis and Psychotic Depression. I refuse medicines, I tried counseling but that didn't work out either. I've found that the type of treatment that works best for me is art therapy - namely drawing and writing.
What does this all entail?
Well, I get -
Hallucinations: These can be mild, or really severe. I can see, smell, hear, even feel things that aren't really there and aren't really happening. But for me, it is real. I've had someone try to talk me down telling me that it isn't, that it's all in my head. While they're right, for me at that exact moment while I'm hallucinating it is real. I can't make a distinction. The most common one that I get is feeling like I have insects crawling all over my skin.
Delusions: These are like super mild forms of hallucinations. I can get an idea in my head, for instance, I'm being watched by someone from somewhere. Some of the time I can snap myself out of these, and I can be easily talked down from them. My most common form of delusional behavior is that I am being watched.
Other symptoms: They're the big two. Other than that I can get paranoia, insomnia, sudden and intense daydreaming, lack of interest in everything around me, sudden increase/decrease in libido, and weight fluctuation...
If can avoid it, I don't talk about it. There are only four people in my life that know the whole truth about this and they're names are - Jordan, Nicole, Dave, and Connor. I learned to tell only a segment of the truth if it ever cropped up in conversation to find out who is worthy of knowing the full story. The ones who know there's something wrong with me, but don't know the particular details are the ones that treated me differently afterwards. Even my parents treated me differently.
For the people that read this - no I don't want to about it. And if I get sympathy, or avoidance from it then I don't want to know you. I haven't had a hallucination for a year and five months today. I don't need any sympathy, I'm strong enough to function without it. And avoidance... Well then you are less of a person for it. It's your loss, not mine.
Heavy topic over with for today. Any questions, ask. I will reply with something, but maybe not with an answer. As I've already said, I hate talking about it. It's a weakness, and I cannot stand feeling weak. If you're leaving never to return because I have mental issues... I hope the door hits you on the way out.
Until tomorrow, as always...
Adieu.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
Facts and Explanations - Part 1
So, it has taken me a while to figure out what to do next, yes. But I've now decided that maybe I could explain some of the things in my 'Likes' and 'Dislikes' and why I like or dislike them. I know a couple raised a few eyebrows - the one about not liking falling in love in particular. So, yeah. I'll tell you why I think what I think, and feel what I feel about some of these things, and throw in a few other facts along the way. That should help me figure out who I am, right?
Number 1. "I don't like falling in love"
This is the one that I really feel I should explain, as it was the one to raise the most eyebrows. I like love and romance and all that gooey mushy stuff that can be quite sickening to witness from the outside. But falling in love is one of my biggest fears now.
I've fallen in love three times. And each of those times didn't work out.
The first was a real childhood sweetheart. He was a popular kid and I was the weird fat kid that gets bullied. But we were best friends, and more. Some people may say that being in Primary School means that it wasn't real love, just 'puppy love' if anything. I can say now, with absolute certainty, that is utter hokum. We weren't too young to be in love, too young to understand it, yes. But not too young to feel it. But it didn't last. As we moved onto High School his parents decided to move to New Zealand. I haven't heard from him since, and I still think about him from time to time. Wondering if he thinks of me...
Number two was a girl. She was, still is, one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. She still takes my breath away on the rare occasions I bump into her. We were together for a short time, but she didn't feel the same about me. She never knew how strongly I felt about her, and she never will.
Thirdly, most recently, and most painfully, was the person I thought was 'the one'. I thought third time lucky. I believed we were going to spend the rest of our lives together - grow old, get a house, have pets, maybe even kids... He was the first person to actually make me feel like I could want to have children. But he had power over me. Still does, if I'm to be honest. He used that power, and he didn't always treat me the way that he should have.
I will always hold these three people in my heart. They will always be special to me, because each one in their own way unintentionally made me a better person and they taught me so many things that are necessary to life.
However, now, I am more cautious with my heart and to whom I entrust it. Too cautious, perhaps. But I am afraid to get hurt again. I barely escaped the third one alive. I confess here, once and for all, that I was a seconds thought away from suicide again. I would have done it, I had the knife poised, and I'd started to apply pressure. The only reason I stopped was because my mother interrupted me with an inquiring yell from downstairs. That is the only reason I am here to type this. And I am so thankful she chose that moment to ask me a question.
I don't like falling in love because it is scary and it hurts like hell when it doesn't work out. But that doesn't mean that I won't fall in love again. It just means that I'll be more careful and hold myself back from falling in love until I know they feel the same and we both believe it may go somewhere worthwhile.
I shall be back tomorrow.
Until then... Adieu.
Number 1. "I don't like falling in love"
This is the one that I really feel I should explain, as it was the one to raise the most eyebrows. I like love and romance and all that gooey mushy stuff that can be quite sickening to witness from the outside. But falling in love is one of my biggest fears now.
I've fallen in love three times. And each of those times didn't work out.
The first was a real childhood sweetheart. He was a popular kid and I was the weird fat kid that gets bullied. But we were best friends, and more. Some people may say that being in Primary School means that it wasn't real love, just 'puppy love' if anything. I can say now, with absolute certainty, that is utter hokum. We weren't too young to be in love, too young to understand it, yes. But not too young to feel it. But it didn't last. As we moved onto High School his parents decided to move to New Zealand. I haven't heard from him since, and I still think about him from time to time. Wondering if he thinks of me...
Number two was a girl. She was, still is, one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. She still takes my breath away on the rare occasions I bump into her. We were together for a short time, but she didn't feel the same about me. She never knew how strongly I felt about her, and she never will.
Thirdly, most recently, and most painfully, was the person I thought was 'the one'. I thought third time lucky. I believed we were going to spend the rest of our lives together - grow old, get a house, have pets, maybe even kids... He was the first person to actually make me feel like I could want to have children. But he had power over me. Still does, if I'm to be honest. He used that power, and he didn't always treat me the way that he should have.
I will always hold these three people in my heart. They will always be special to me, because each one in their own way unintentionally made me a better person and they taught me so many things that are necessary to life.
However, now, I am more cautious with my heart and to whom I entrust it. Too cautious, perhaps. But I am afraid to get hurt again. I barely escaped the third one alive. I confess here, once and for all, that I was a seconds thought away from suicide again. I would have done it, I had the knife poised, and I'd started to apply pressure. The only reason I stopped was because my mother interrupted me with an inquiring yell from downstairs. That is the only reason I am here to type this. And I am so thankful she chose that moment to ask me a question.
I don't like falling in love because it is scary and it hurts like hell when it doesn't work out. But that doesn't mean that I won't fall in love again. It just means that I'll be more careful and hold myself back from falling in love until I know they feel the same and we both believe it may go somewhere worthwhile.
I shall be back tomorrow.
Until then... Adieu.
Monday, 18 March 2013
On Book Covers and Changes...
- Brief interim here. This isn't going to be about how I'm trying to find myself, or anything. This is just a topic that I've seen brought up a lot recently and one that really irritates me. Since this was created mainly to get things off my chest and have a good old complain about how much life sucks I'm going to write about it. And you're all just going to have to be OK with that! -
I don't know how many people out there can say the same, but I'm quite a perfectionist. And I'm pretty OCD with my perfectionism. If I'm making something, I have to make it perfectly otherwise it is just a bunch of rubbish at the end of it. If I'm writing a story then I won't let anyone see it unless I have checked it over beforehand to make sure it is alright for reading. The books on my shelves, absolutely have to be neat and orderly. For me, books have to be organised by author and within that chronological order if they're part of a series. Other than that my books are fine being wherever I put them. Unless... Unless those stupid publishers decide that they are going to change the cover art.
This is when all hell breaks loose.
Particularly if they do it in the middle of a series and the original cover designs are discontinued.
I mean, where is the necessity for them to do this to us?! You know what makes it even worse? When the original covers are the most exquisitely beautiful things ever and they change them into something horrible and lackluster! I mean, what gives book people!?
I swear, if I ever get a book series of my own published and they change the covers halfway through... People better start running.
Just saying...
I don't know how many people out there can say the same, but I'm quite a perfectionist. And I'm pretty OCD with my perfectionism. If I'm making something, I have to make it perfectly otherwise it is just a bunch of rubbish at the end of it. If I'm writing a story then I won't let anyone see it unless I have checked it over beforehand to make sure it is alright for reading. The books on my shelves, absolutely have to be neat and orderly. For me, books have to be organised by author and within that chronological order if they're part of a series. Other than that my books are fine being wherever I put them. Unless... Unless those stupid publishers decide that they are going to change the cover art.
This is when all hell breaks loose.
Particularly if they do it in the middle of a series and the original cover designs are discontinued.
I mean, where is the necessity for them to do this to us?! You know what makes it even worse? When the original covers are the most exquisitely beautiful things ever and they change them into something horrible and lackluster! I mean, what gives book people!?
I swear, if I ever get a book series of my own published and they change the covers halfway through... People better start running.
Just saying...
Saturday, 16 March 2013
A Kick In The Nostalgia...
Late, I know. I've had zero free time. I guess these are bits that I can remember from my childhood. Maybe they can give some clue as to who I might be...
"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four Privet Drive were proud to say they were perfectly normal, thank you very much." Watching Winnie the Pooh and Disney's Robin Hood every day before nursery. Sitting at my own little red table with a little red chair to eat or paint. Wanting a Barbie simply for the fact that it came with some stuff to colour it's hair that I instead used on myself and ignored the doll. Going for walks and picnics at the weekend with my parents. Wycollar - it's still one my most favourite places to this day. Begging, and begging, for a dog and thinking I would never get anywhere. Sweeping the yard with a giant brush, just because. Sitting in the washing machine with the cat and pretending we were going to space. Putting bread in the video player thinking that would make toast. Wanting to be a toaster sales person to give everybody the gift of toast. Stealing carrots and potatoes so that I could post them through the cat flap. Dreams of becoming a vet and watching Animal Hospital every day it was on. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL POKÉMON! Collecting and trading Pokémon cards with friends, playing the games and trading and battling in the back of class instead of doing work. Hanging around in town every weekend. Eating Ben and Jerry's under the gazebo, and making cookie and chocolate squirty cream sandwiches. Buying a bunch of strawberry laces, energy drinks, chocolate, and fruit juice and having picnics in Thompson Park. The penis tree and the hedgehog. Golden Weinge, Rosemary, Elmy faces, Babe Lotus. Going to Manchester Gay Pride Parade every year and collecting a bunch of the stickers all over our chests. Silly string fights, sitting in the corner of the car parks and drawing weird things all over the floors. Sitting in a squared off section in the middle of Tesco and having a woman come up to us and say "What a good place to store teenagers!" Skipping PE to go to Art instead. Doing Alice in Wonderland in Drama and falling through the stage. Making a musical in Music - Boil her, mash her, stick her in a stew! "Good day young ladies, would you like to re-arrange my hat?" Assigning one another an element to bend and ending up being a waterbender because my hands are always cold. Having a car meatlbended away from me so I didn't get run over. Teksta the robot dog. Collecting anything Godzilla. Making a secret den in a small clearing behind the trees in somebody's private garden and leaping over the wall when we thought we were about to get caught, which we never were. Somehow coming to the conclusion that we'd found the remains of a witch in the den. Lego, pop tarts, and cartoons in the mornings. "Who loves Orange Soda? Kel loves Orange Soda. Is it true? I do, I do, I do-ooo!" Reading A Series of Unfortunate Events, Roald Dahl, Jacqueline Wilson, Enid Blyton, Goosebumps, and the Hobbit. Trying to collect all the Mr. Men books just because it made a face on the spines if you managed it. Horrible Histories. Gremlins, Labyrinth, Princess Bride, Willow, and The Neverending Story. The Devil in Legend terrifying the crap out of me. Trying to watch Jurassic Park 3 for the first time on the tv in my parents room but getting so scared of it I had to walk out of the room without switching it off because I thought going near the tv would allow the dinosaurs to get me. The candyman and bloody Mary mirror tricks that never worked. Everyone getting a sudden obsession with yo-yos and buying a green light up one just to fit in. Furbys, Crazy Bones, Beyblades, Digimon. Looking everywhere for a Gatomon plush but never managing to find one. Stealing the pick 'n mix from Woolworths and being amazed by the tiny cans of coke and popping candy. Mona the Vampire, Arthur, The Story of Tracy Beaker, The Smurfs, The Raccoons, Moomins, Round the Twist, Powerpuff Girls, Dexter's Laboratory, Hey Arnold, Cat Dog, Cow and Chicken, Rugrats, Count Duckula, Zzzap!, Art Attack, Recess, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Woody the Woodpecker, Sailor Moon, Pinky and the Brain, The Simpsons, Jackie Chan Adventures, Funnybones, Penny Crayon, and The Demon Headmaster. Learning all about people like Robin Hood from watching Wishbone. Spice Girls, S Club 7, Busted and McFly. Sneaking into my brothers room to watch him play video games. Ross's fake tan, leather pants and insanely white teeth in Friends. Learning every single one of Phoebe's songs. Watching Spy Kids and really wanting to be a spy, and having a massive crush on Carmen. Setting up the board game Mouse Trap and then not even bothering to play it afterwards because it took way too long. The Land Before Time. Samwise Gamgee's first steps farther than he has ever been before. Beanie Babies, Pogs, and those aliens that 'hatched' from the eggs and supposedly bred if you put them back to back. Dr. Seuss books. Oreos, jelly tots, and actually being able to get sweets for 1p. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Only Fools and Horses, Fawlty Towers, and Open All Hours. Sitting in the grass and making daisy chains in the summer. Going fishing with my brother and eating Pot Noodles as soon as we found a spot to fish. Boys with curtains and flannel shirts. Never understanding the presence of Coolio in the Kenan and Kel opening. Watching every episode of Buffy, having a huge crush on Willow, Spike, and Oz and hating Angel. Dungarees and people always wearing their baseball caps backwards.
That's what I'll remember.
I'm not entirely sure what I'll be back with next. But I will think of something.
Until then, as always...
Adieu.
"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four Privet Drive were proud to say they were perfectly normal, thank you very much." Watching Winnie the Pooh and Disney's Robin Hood every day before nursery. Sitting at my own little red table with a little red chair to eat or paint. Wanting a Barbie simply for the fact that it came with some stuff to colour it's hair that I instead used on myself and ignored the doll. Going for walks and picnics at the weekend with my parents. Wycollar - it's still one my most favourite places to this day. Begging, and begging, for a dog and thinking I would never get anywhere. Sweeping the yard with a giant brush, just because. Sitting in the washing machine with the cat and pretending we were going to space. Putting bread in the video player thinking that would make toast. Wanting to be a toaster sales person to give everybody the gift of toast. Stealing carrots and potatoes so that I could post them through the cat flap. Dreams of becoming a vet and watching Animal Hospital every day it was on. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL POKÉMON! Collecting and trading Pokémon cards with friends, playing the games and trading and battling in the back of class instead of doing work. Hanging around in town every weekend. Eating Ben and Jerry's under the gazebo, and making cookie and chocolate squirty cream sandwiches. Buying a bunch of strawberry laces, energy drinks, chocolate, and fruit juice and having picnics in Thompson Park. The penis tree and the hedgehog. Golden Weinge, Rosemary, Elmy faces, Babe Lotus. Going to Manchester Gay Pride Parade every year and collecting a bunch of the stickers all over our chests. Silly string fights, sitting in the corner of the car parks and drawing weird things all over the floors. Sitting in a squared off section in the middle of Tesco and having a woman come up to us and say "What a good place to store teenagers!" Skipping PE to go to Art instead. Doing Alice in Wonderland in Drama and falling through the stage. Making a musical in Music - Boil her, mash her, stick her in a stew! "Good day young ladies, would you like to re-arrange my hat?" Assigning one another an element to bend and ending up being a waterbender because my hands are always cold. Having a car meatlbended away from me so I didn't get run over. Teksta the robot dog. Collecting anything Godzilla. Making a secret den in a small clearing behind the trees in somebody's private garden and leaping over the wall when we thought we were about to get caught, which we never were. Somehow coming to the conclusion that we'd found the remains of a witch in the den. Lego, pop tarts, and cartoons in the mornings. "Who loves Orange Soda? Kel loves Orange Soda. Is it true? I do, I do, I do-ooo!" Reading A Series of Unfortunate Events, Roald Dahl, Jacqueline Wilson, Enid Blyton, Goosebumps, and the Hobbit. Trying to collect all the Mr. Men books just because it made a face on the spines if you managed it. Horrible Histories. Gremlins, Labyrinth, Princess Bride, Willow, and The Neverending Story. The Devil in Legend terrifying the crap out of me. Trying to watch Jurassic Park 3 for the first time on the tv in my parents room but getting so scared of it I had to walk out of the room without switching it off because I thought going near the tv would allow the dinosaurs to get me. The candyman and bloody Mary mirror tricks that never worked. Everyone getting a sudden obsession with yo-yos and buying a green light up one just to fit in. Furbys, Crazy Bones, Beyblades, Digimon. Looking everywhere for a Gatomon plush but never managing to find one. Stealing the pick 'n mix from Woolworths and being amazed by the tiny cans of coke and popping candy. Mona the Vampire, Arthur, The Story of Tracy Beaker, The Smurfs, The Raccoons, Moomins, Round the Twist, Powerpuff Girls, Dexter's Laboratory, Hey Arnold, Cat Dog, Cow and Chicken, Rugrats, Count Duckula, Zzzap!, Art Attack, Recess, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Woody the Woodpecker, Sailor Moon, Pinky and the Brain, The Simpsons, Jackie Chan Adventures, Funnybones, Penny Crayon, and The Demon Headmaster. Learning all about people like Robin Hood from watching Wishbone. Spice Girls, S Club 7, Busted and McFly. Sneaking into my brothers room to watch him play video games. Ross's fake tan, leather pants and insanely white teeth in Friends. Learning every single one of Phoebe's songs. Watching Spy Kids and really wanting to be a spy, and having a massive crush on Carmen. Setting up the board game Mouse Trap and then not even bothering to play it afterwards because it took way too long. The Land Before Time. Samwise Gamgee's first steps farther than he has ever been before. Beanie Babies, Pogs, and those aliens that 'hatched' from the eggs and supposedly bred if you put them back to back. Dr. Seuss books. Oreos, jelly tots, and actually being able to get sweets for 1p. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Only Fools and Horses, Fawlty Towers, and Open All Hours. Sitting in the grass and making daisy chains in the summer. Going fishing with my brother and eating Pot Noodles as soon as we found a spot to fish. Boys with curtains and flannel shirts. Never understanding the presence of Coolio in the Kenan and Kel opening. Watching every episode of Buffy, having a huge crush on Willow, Spike, and Oz and hating Angel. Dungarees and people always wearing their baseball caps backwards.
That's what I'll remember.
I'm not entirely sure what I'll be back with next. But I will think of something.
Until then, as always...
Adieu.
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
I Dislike...
There's quite a lot that I dislike, so I'll try and keep this short and sweet...
I don't like my hands being too warm, and my feet always have to be cold. I don't like it when snow freezes, or the kind of ice that is invisible. I don't like days that are too hot. I don't like really sweaty people, or people that have awful, strong body odor. I don't like vampires that sparkle - they aren't vampires, not really. I don't like the colour pink. I don't like comedy movies. I don't like the taste of most alcoholic beverages. I don't like being in crowded places, and I don't like loud noises. I don't like night time because it makes me sad. I don't like feeling weak or lonely. I don't like the people that used to bully me for being obese they're the reason I have such a low opinion of myself to this day. I don't like homophobic people. I don't like heights, needles, moths or feeling trapped. I don't like that I didn't get a real Pokémon for my tenth birthday. I don't like sneezing. I don't like my father or his mother. I hate admitting how I feel to people. I don't like dishonest and untrustworthy people. I don't like people who stare a lot. I don't like growing older. I don't like that I have a horribly violent side to me. I don't like sharing things or people that I love. I don't like trusting people. I don't like people who try to make my decisions for me, or people that try to force me into things. I don't like being cut over when I'm talking. I don't really like talking all that much. I don't like how powerful my imagination can be. I hate people dressed in costumes where I can't see their faces properly and I especially hate clowns. I don't like crying in front people. I don't like people that try to talk to me when I am crying in front of them. I don't like dancing in front of people. I don't like the smell of roses. I don't like the way jelly feels in my mouth. I don't like it when people cut sausages in half and fry the inside. I don't like Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, or Cheryl Cole. I don't like the hollow feeling I get after one of my pets dies. I don't like people - as a race we suck. I don't like falling in love. I don't like cold rain. I don't like scratchy clothing. I hate that I suffer from depression and that I get SAD in the winter. I don't like seeing people who constantly frown for no reason. I don't like people who pick wild flowers. I don't like sleeping alone. I don't like the squelching noise of mud under your feet. I don't like people squeezing me. I hate being popular with the opposite sex.
Kind of short...
I will try to be back tomorrow with what I remember about my childhood.
If I'm too busy I'll come back on Friday and do it then.
Adieu.
I don't like my hands being too warm, and my feet always have to be cold. I don't like it when snow freezes, or the kind of ice that is invisible. I don't like days that are too hot. I don't like really sweaty people, or people that have awful, strong body odor. I don't like vampires that sparkle - they aren't vampires, not really. I don't like the colour pink. I don't like comedy movies. I don't like the taste of most alcoholic beverages. I don't like being in crowded places, and I don't like loud noises. I don't like night time because it makes me sad. I don't like feeling weak or lonely. I don't like the people that used to bully me for being obese they're the reason I have such a low opinion of myself to this day. I don't like homophobic people. I don't like heights, needles, moths or feeling trapped. I don't like that I didn't get a real Pokémon for my tenth birthday. I don't like sneezing. I don't like my father or his mother. I hate admitting how I feel to people. I don't like dishonest and untrustworthy people. I don't like people who stare a lot. I don't like growing older. I don't like that I have a horribly violent side to me. I don't like sharing things or people that I love. I don't like trusting people. I don't like people who try to make my decisions for me, or people that try to force me into things. I don't like being cut over when I'm talking. I don't really like talking all that much. I don't like how powerful my imagination can be. I hate people dressed in costumes where I can't see their faces properly and I especially hate clowns. I don't like crying in front people. I don't like people that try to talk to me when I am crying in front of them. I don't like dancing in front of people. I don't like the smell of roses. I don't like the way jelly feels in my mouth. I don't like it when people cut sausages in half and fry the inside. I don't like Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, or Cheryl Cole. I don't like the hollow feeling I get after one of my pets dies. I don't like people - as a race we suck. I don't like falling in love. I don't like cold rain. I don't like scratchy clothing. I hate that I suffer from depression and that I get SAD in the winter. I don't like seeing people who constantly frown for no reason. I don't like people who pick wild flowers. I don't like sleeping alone. I don't like the squelching noise of mud under your feet. I don't like people squeezing me. I hate being popular with the opposite sex.
Kind of short...
I will try to be back tomorrow with what I remember about my childhood.
If I'm too busy I'll come back on Friday and do it then.
Adieu.
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
I Like...
When I had a counselor for my depression she always suggested that I write down how I feel. It helps you to figure things out, she said. What would she suggest for me right now? That was my thought the other day, and I've been debating it on and off ever since. If I have to find myself, and learn what my identity is, wouldn't writing about what I know about myself help? So that's what I'm doing. This is part of my next step.
I like books, they help me to escape the real world. The same goes for video games. I like warm days and the feeling of wearing dresses. I like eating ice cubes. I like watching movies whilst being cuddled up with someone. I like the sound of heavy rain beating on my window at night. I like the stars. I like going to the theater. I like the chiming noise that skimming a stone can make on frozen water. I like big, comfy hooded jackets and jumpers. I like hot chocolate on cold winter days. I like the silence that snow brings. I like the colours of autumn and the freshness of spring. I like animals. I like both dogs and cats. I like foxes, raccoons, owls, orca whales, sharks, cheetahs, komodo dragons, and wolves. I like singing to my pets. I like to listen to loud music when I'm sad. I like tattoos, and lip piercings. I like motorbikes. I like men with twirly moustaches and I like goatees. I like seeing old couples that are obviously in love and seem like they have been together for many years. I like seeing same sex couples. I like romance and cheesy one-liners. I like giving gifts. I like girls that can skateboard. I like dew on spider webs. I like people who smile with their eyes. I like girls with long curly hair that goes on and on down their backs. I like men who are musically talented, and girls who can sing. I like to draw and take pictures. I like making up stories. I like stop motion animation. I like America, Japan, and Italy. I like reading about mythology and folklore. I like fantasy. I like visiting aquariums. I like people who are positive and optimistic. I like people who smell really nice, and give warm hugs. I like pirates and piratey things. I like to make weird noises and I like to dance in the rain. I like laughing so hard my tummy starts to hurt and I start to cry. I like to watch thunderstorms. I like going for walks. I like to watch flowing water, it fascinates me. I like Johnny Depp, and Tim Burton movies. I like receiving letters, especially love letters. I like Mr. Darcy. I like pianos and bubble wrap. I like gazing at lava lamps. I like frosty mornings and city skylines at night. I like walking through forests. I like kissing in the rain. I like Banksy's artwork. I like the colour blue. I like magic and illusions. I like people with ginger hair. I like popping candy and Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I like to eat peanut butter when I'm sad. I like to name the pieces of technology I own. I like the words massacre, cascade, tranquil, hemoglobin, and spatula. I like my eyes and my lips. I like having the kinds of conversations that make you feel nostalgic. I like to attack hug people.
That's all that I can think of right now...
I'll be back tomorrow with my dislikes.
Until then, Adieu.
I like books, they help me to escape the real world. The same goes for video games. I like warm days and the feeling of wearing dresses. I like eating ice cubes. I like watching movies whilst being cuddled up with someone. I like the sound of heavy rain beating on my window at night. I like the stars. I like going to the theater. I like the chiming noise that skimming a stone can make on frozen water. I like big, comfy hooded jackets and jumpers. I like hot chocolate on cold winter days. I like the silence that snow brings. I like the colours of autumn and the freshness of spring. I like animals. I like both dogs and cats. I like foxes, raccoons, owls, orca whales, sharks, cheetahs, komodo dragons, and wolves. I like singing to my pets. I like to listen to loud music when I'm sad. I like tattoos, and lip piercings. I like motorbikes. I like men with twirly moustaches and I like goatees. I like seeing old couples that are obviously in love and seem like they have been together for many years. I like seeing same sex couples. I like romance and cheesy one-liners. I like giving gifts. I like girls that can skateboard. I like dew on spider webs. I like people who smile with their eyes. I like girls with long curly hair that goes on and on down their backs. I like men who are musically talented, and girls who can sing. I like to draw and take pictures. I like making up stories. I like stop motion animation. I like America, Japan, and Italy. I like reading about mythology and folklore. I like fantasy. I like visiting aquariums. I like people who are positive and optimistic. I like people who smell really nice, and give warm hugs. I like pirates and piratey things. I like to make weird noises and I like to dance in the rain. I like laughing so hard my tummy starts to hurt and I start to cry. I like to watch thunderstorms. I like going for walks. I like to watch flowing water, it fascinates me. I like Johnny Depp, and Tim Burton movies. I like receiving letters, especially love letters. I like Mr. Darcy. I like pianos and bubble wrap. I like gazing at lava lamps. I like frosty mornings and city skylines at night. I like walking through forests. I like kissing in the rain. I like Banksy's artwork. I like the colour blue. I like magic and illusions. I like people with ginger hair. I like popping candy and Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I like to eat peanut butter when I'm sad. I like to name the pieces of technology I own. I like the words massacre, cascade, tranquil, hemoglobin, and spatula. I like my eyes and my lips. I like having the kinds of conversations that make you feel nostalgic. I like to attack hug people.
That's all that I can think of right now...
I'll be back tomorrow with my dislikes.
Until then, Adieu.
Saturday, 9 March 2013
Who am I?
The truth is, I really don't know.
I always thought I knew who I was. But as it turns out, I don't. I'm lost, floating about untethered to anything. Is that any way to live? No, it really isn't. I need to find my identity. I need to find me. That is my newest task. I am so thankful to be able to say I have some truly amazing people who know what I'm going through who can help me along the way.
Looking back over the past few months of my life I realise now that instead of losing everything a couple of weeks ago, I've had nothing really left for a long time now. I can see now that I've been lost for a lot longer than I thought, I just didn't feel it before whereas now that's all I've really been feeling. But that's the good thing about having nothing. Nothing can't be taken away from you. You can only go up, and things can only get better.
My main flaw, and an issue I really need to take care of, is that I am too nice for my own good. My heart is too kind, too gentle. And that means that people will take advantage of my kindness and I will end up getting even more hurt than I have been. That needs to stop. The first step in my quest is doing things for myself, not for other people. Sure, I'll still help someone if they need it. But now I come first, not them.
So, here starts my journey. To a, hopefully, much happier, confident, and better me. I have perspective, and mistakes to learn from.
I always thought I knew who I was. But as it turns out, I don't. I'm lost, floating about untethered to anything. Is that any way to live? No, it really isn't. I need to find my identity. I need to find me. That is my newest task. I am so thankful to be able to say I have some truly amazing people who know what I'm going through who can help me along the way.
Looking back over the past few months of my life I realise now that instead of losing everything a couple of weeks ago, I've had nothing really left for a long time now. I can see now that I've been lost for a lot longer than I thought, I just didn't feel it before whereas now that's all I've really been feeling. But that's the good thing about having nothing. Nothing can't be taken away from you. You can only go up, and things can only get better.
My main flaw, and an issue I really need to take care of, is that I am too nice for my own good. My heart is too kind, too gentle. And that means that people will take advantage of my kindness and I will end up getting even more hurt than I have been. That needs to stop. The first step in my quest is doing things for myself, not for other people. Sure, I'll still help someone if they need it. But now I come first, not them.
So, here starts my journey. To a, hopefully, much happier, confident, and better me. I have perspective, and mistakes to learn from.
Thursday, 17 January 2013
Thoughts on spiders...
I wish all spiders looked like Andrew Garfield. If they did I would gladly allow them in my house. If only...
Monday, 14 January 2013
Uncovering Childhood
I've been really sad recently. Things haven't been going my way at all.
What's that you say? It's only 14 days into the new year and things can't be that bad already?
Bullshit.
Things are bad, and they are continuing to get worse.
When I feel like this I end up retreating into myself and refusing social interactions. I've done just that. But this time I've retreated so far into myself I seem to have gone back to my childhood.
I uncovered the stuffed animals that I used to play with when I was younger (including a stuffed Pikachu). Then I found blankets and cushions that I used to have strewn on my bed from when I made blanket forts regularly. I found the music that I used to listen to in my childhood - which, surprising to some people, include Marilyn Manson and Slipknot because that's the kind of music I always heard my older brother playing. Combined with Disney songs it made for a very odd compilation... And finally I dug out my old video games consoles and proceeded to curl up in my bed surrounded by blankets, and cushions, and stuffed toys, with Pikachu on my lap, Slipknot screaming at me, playing an old Super Mario game, followed by Sims Busting Out, in a HUGE-ASS hoodie, that is at least four sizes too big for me, with a 1-Up mushroom on the front, a giant mug of coffee and a LOT of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.
Tragic, I know... That was my low point. But boy was it fun!
Anyway, when I emerged from this four day long stupor in which I didn't leave my bed for any reason other than to relieve myself or get more coffee and chocolate, I took a much needed shower (seriously, guys, I stank worse than a toilet) and tidied up my room. A bit.
I still wasn't ready to face the world and the people in it however. So when I was putting my childhood toys away after changing my bedding, and I stumbled across all these books that I used to read with my dad as a teeny tot I couldn't resist reading them again.
Oh my.
I had forgotten just how great Fantastic Mr. Fox is! It is a brilliant book, well done Roald, well done. Even though that book is meant for children of Primary School age I still love it. I'm still not sure about watching the movie adaptation yet though. I've been assured it is good, but I don't know... Something about the way that the animals look gives me the heebie jeebies.
Anyway, enough of my inane chatter. That's how I've been so far this year. Not good, I have to say...
Oh well, tomorrow is another day.
What's that you say? It's only 14 days into the new year and things can't be that bad already?
Bullshit.
Things are bad, and they are continuing to get worse.
When I feel like this I end up retreating into myself and refusing social interactions. I've done just that. But this time I've retreated so far into myself I seem to have gone back to my childhood.
I uncovered the stuffed animals that I used to play with when I was younger (including a stuffed Pikachu). Then I found blankets and cushions that I used to have strewn on my bed from when I made blanket forts regularly. I found the music that I used to listen to in my childhood - which, surprising to some people, include Marilyn Manson and Slipknot because that's the kind of music I always heard my older brother playing. Combined with Disney songs it made for a very odd compilation... And finally I dug out my old video games consoles and proceeded to curl up in my bed surrounded by blankets, and cushions, and stuffed toys, with Pikachu on my lap, Slipknot screaming at me, playing an old Super Mario game, followed by Sims Busting Out, in a HUGE-ASS hoodie, that is at least four sizes too big for me, with a 1-Up mushroom on the front, a giant mug of coffee and a LOT of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.
Tragic, I know... That was my low point. But boy was it fun!
Anyway, when I emerged from this four day long stupor in which I didn't leave my bed for any reason other than to relieve myself or get more coffee and chocolate, I took a much needed shower (seriously, guys, I stank worse than a toilet) and tidied up my room. A bit.
I still wasn't ready to face the world and the people in it however. So when I was putting my childhood toys away after changing my bedding, and I stumbled across all these books that I used to read with my dad as a teeny tot I couldn't resist reading them again.
Oh my.
I had forgotten just how great Fantastic Mr. Fox is! It is a brilliant book, well done Roald, well done. Even though that book is meant for children of Primary School age I still love it. I'm still not sure about watching the movie adaptation yet though. I've been assured it is good, but I don't know... Something about the way that the animals look gives me the heebie jeebies.
Anyway, enough of my inane chatter. That's how I've been so far this year. Not good, I have to say...
Oh well, tomorrow is another day.
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