Transitional

I know that I've spoken about going through a transitional period in my life right now.
My wardrobe is still adapting to the change. There are still things I am thinking of getting rid of. The list of new clothes that I need to buy is getting longer and longer with every passing week. I feel different on the inside. I'm more confident. In both myself and everything I do. I am improving open myself with every ounce of my being. Perhaps an effect of taking photos of myself? I would like to think so. I have some amazing people in my life that are so insanely supportive. I owe them all of my gratitude for being, well, themselves. They are the best people.
But all that aside, all of this change is a little disturbing. How far do I let it carry me? I want to cut and dye my hair. Get more tattoos. Move away. Travel. Meet new people. New cultures. New experiences. While a lot of these things are something I've always wanted to do, I haven't felt like I needed to do them right away. However, currently I have an overwhelming desire and absolute, all encompassing NEED to do everything. How far do I go?

Apart from that... I am happy. I don't remember the last time that I felt this genuine happiness. I remember feeling the giddy euphoria that goes with the mood swings of depression. But that isn't real. This, is real. And I love it!!

Livid

Everyone is lying about something.

Almost everyone that I know is lying to my face.

I can't trust a single person.

Fuck them all.

Watch them all burn.

I don't need anybody.

I have myself and that is enough.

That will always be enough.

I'm done with you.

Go rot in hell for all I care you sack of piss.

I hope that you choke on all the bullshit that you spew.

The whole world

Seems to be against you. But really, the only one against you, is you.

Fierce

I'm feeling fierce today.

Like I want to make everyone pay for every hurt that they've caused myself or anyone that I care about.

Like I could take apart the Earth just see it crumble.

Like I could collapse a thousand suns. Conquer a million planets.

The beast is hungry today. And I won't do anything to deny it.

Self Image

I have a very poor self image. I hate the way that I look. I always have, but do I always have to?

I've been going through a transitional period in my life. One of the ones where you let go of whatever baggage and crap you've accumulated that you just don't need any more. I've been changing out my wardrobe, exercising more, eating healthier, blah, blah, blah...

Nobody wants to hear about all the same old rubbish like that. So, what's the experiment?

I've been taking photos. Once a day. Of myself. And I only take one. Not a whole bunch trying to get the perfect one. Just one lonely little photograph and I have to be okay with how I look. I have to make myself try and find something that I like about myself in that one picture.

I've only been doing it for a couple of days, so I have no clear results just yet. But, who knows? If I can train my brain to at least think I look acceptable then I can do anything.

Diving

It's like I have this endless well of emotion locked up deep down inside.
And if something or someone manages to delve and dive to those depths, if whatever it is gets really under my skin... Then it awakens the beast.
And the beast really wants to play.

But not today

Be patient and tough; someday,

this pain will be useful

to you.

-Ovid

The Things You Do

Sometimes,
I don't need a reason, or justification of any kind.
Sometimes the things you do just hurt.

They just really fucking hurt.

Out with the Old

I've had enough.

I can't trust anyone. I won't trust anyone.

I'm sick to death of people saying that I'm not alone when I need them, when in reality I am. I am always alone. I have nobody that is actually there for me. And I don't need anybody. I'm used to dealing with my shit alone now so everyone else can just fuck off.

I have come to a decision. I'm going to save money. A lot of money. I'm out of here. Out of this town, out of this county, maybe, hopefully, even out of this country. This is my new plan.

It is going to take a while to gather what I need. The cash, the mental strength, courage. 

However, this is happening. I'm just going to go, and get a fresh start with a clean slate. No people I know. Just me.

The lone wolf rises.

This was something that I posted a few months ago. It still had relevancy when I took it down, but there were some whom I didn't wish to see this. It still has relevancy now. For the most part.

I am not alone. The wolf doesn't need to rise alone. There are people that I can trust, wholeheartedly. I just didn't see them for being swarmed by hate. I see them now. I know that I am not alone.

"The lone wolf dies, but the pack survives."

Strangely All Over

I've had an emotional extended weekend.

On Friday I was at the bottom of the pit. I was the lowest I have been for a long time. Curled up, detesting myself and everything that I am.

On Saturday I was still down in the morning. So I picked myself up. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed. I went to see some my oldest and dearest family friends in their new home. Then I went on an adventure and found a beautiful little village with some amazing architecture. By this time I was way up. I was coasting on a high, feeling on top of the world, and I was so full of hopes and dreams, and possibilities. I don't even know why.

On Sunday I crashed and burned again. Everything positive that I had felt the day before had dissipated and left a bitter and sour feeling behind.

Now, I'm somewhere in between. Floating in the middle. Neither up nor down. Weirdly hollow yet full. I'm strangely all over. And I can't help but wait for the crash back down.

Can't Find the Way Home

You know how, sometimes, people say that home isn't a place, it's a person?

Well I used to have that. I used to have a person that I was so entirely comfortable with that whenever I was in their presence I was more relaxed and peaceful in my mind and heart.

But then of course things changed.

The little protective bubble that I had built around my sanctuary shattered and the reality of it was stunning. It was like I had been dropped into a pond of ice and water. Breathtakingly real, painful, and far, far too desolate.

I've been trying to find myself a place, a little safe haven ever since. I've even tried to call that person home again. Desperately attempting to make it work the way that it used to.

But it isn't working.

To much has changed since then. I've developed into a different and stronger person. Having nothing, nowhere, that you feel truly at home forced me to toughen up and to start making my own wellbeing a priority. I was never a priority before, I was the lowest of the low and my self destruction rate was high. I still have self destructive thoughts often, but I don't act on it the same. Now I try and find a way around it to make myself better.

Anyway, that's not the point. All I'm really trying to say is I want somewhere, something, someone that makes me feel safe like what I used to have. I don't want to feel lost inside myself with nowhere to go any more. I want to go home now, please?