Just one thing.

There's one thing that turns over in my mind in the darkness of the night. Because that is the time that you come out to infect my thoughts. When it is the middle of the night, and I am all alone. That is when you leak your way in from the recesses in which you are normally buried.

Accompanying you is a whisper.
"I kept her safe for years."

Kept me safe like I was some pathetically delicate little creature, that was too fragile to look after herself. And so you put poor little me into a box. A box that would protect me from everything the world outside had that could hurt me.

However, your method backfired. You sealed me away, protecting me from everything. Everything but myself. It was myself that was always the worst enemy I had. More problems were caused than fixed.

All you had to do was let me out. Let me face everything. Because I'm not weak. I didn't need that amount of protecting.

When you know.

They say that when you know, you know.

I have never felt anything this powerful, intense, or pure before. I thought that I had. I believed with every fibre of my being that I had. But in feeling this now I know that I haven't.

There is so much that I want now. Things that I never really wanted before. Things that I could never see myself having before. I can see them now. I can feel all of the hope and longing for them now.

When you know, you know? Then I know.

Youngster

There is a time when I was younger that I remember above all else.

I remember being seven years old. I remember listening to my parents scream and throw things at one another in the middle of the night. I remember my mother crying and pulling me into her bed and whispering to me that we were going to be on our own for a while. I remember later that night, when my mother had fallen asleep and I was still awake on the other her bed, my father coming upstairs and making eye contact with me. Just a brief flicker of recognition before he turned away and left us for a while.

I remember that at the same time, my sister was married. I remember her coming to the house. I remember her face being bruised and beaten. I remember that he beat her. I remember not only her relationship, but several other relationships that others had fizzle and fail horribly.

I remember that I told myself in that moment that I could never let anyone in that far. I could never let someone into the deepest well of my existence. I couldn't let them have power over me.

And so ever since I shut people out. If I have a problem, I work it out in my mind, alone. I shut off my heart and mind temporarily. I numb myself. And to this day I do this, without realising that I am doing it. I can't make the words that are on my mind come out. Whenever I'm asked, the thoughts vanish like they never existed. It's a reflex I didn't realise I had created.

It was to protect myself. But in the end it destroys more than it protects.

19/06/2014

Today has been a day for letting go. Letting go of a terrible and haunting past. Cutting away the dead and festering flesh that was corrupting my insides; turning everything to darkness.

Water. For cleansing. Cleaning out the demons and the sadness that they caused.

Fire. To burn away the infection. All of the badness that stung and boiled into hate.

I must admit, I do feel quite empty. But that is to expected. I have just let go of a massive weight. A weight I didn't realise I was carrying until it was too late.

And now there is this hole, a crevasse, that has opened up. And I intend to fill it up with lots and lots of good memories. And adventures aplenty.

Diary of Your Life

Your handwriting. The way you walk. Which china pattern you choose. It's all giving you away. Everything you do shows your hand. Everything is a self-portrait. Everything is a diary.
               
                     -Chuck Palahnuik

Simple Pleasure

“Perhaps the rare and simple pleasure of being seen for what one is compensates for the misery of being it.”
       - Margaret Drabble

Heartbreak and Brain Pain

Break ups can be very messy.

Recently, I made the decision to break up with my boyfriend. It wasn't a decision that I made lightly, and it wasn't an idea that occurred to me over night. For the longest time, he was all that I had. But everything fell apart. There was history there, none to pleasant history, that I couldn't get over. The real kicker was that I apparently hadn't given it a chance. I gave it more than a chance. Getting back together in the first place was the chance. Attempting to push past the memories was the chance. And it is more than I should have given. I tried, hell did I try. But I couldn't do it.

It was messy. It was long, and drawn out. And it was definitely not fun at all. But it had to be done. The relationship was collapsing. I was hating everything about it, and I was hating him. And the thing is, when I get angry and hateful like I was, my natural coping mechanism is to turn it all inwards. Instead of allowing all of that hate to explode at someone else I direct it at myself. I was making myself ill. I wasn't eating much, if at all. I wasn't sleeping. I was vomiting. Stressing, depressing, swirling, churning, boiling... I wasn't well. And I definitely wasn't happy. I haven't had a hallucination for almost three years. I almost broke that record. I've had more delusional moments in the past month than I have had for a long while.

It was time to change. My health is more important than that.

Now, I'm happier. I'm eating. Gods, am I eating! I have meat on my bones again. I'm still delusional from time to time, but I'm not concerned that I'm going to be having a hallucination at any given moment. I'm not vomiting, I'm sleeping better. I have the odd nightmare, but that's to be expected I suppose. I don't feel depressed any more. And most of all... I feel happier.

I have some wonderful and amazing people by my side that are supporting me and cheering me on. I've said it before, I don't have much belief in family values. My friends are my family. And right now, I wouldn't be without them. The ones that have been around for years. And the one that has been around for weeks. I've chosen them as my family. And I love them all very much.

Now I must move onwards. There are many adventures that await me. It's time I went to find them.

I am selfish. I am brave.
I am Dauntless. And I am unstoppable.
Let the next chapter, commence!