You'll Live

It's a rare kind of emptiness
The kind that makes you feel so full of emotions
Until you realise
There's really nothing there
And it's a hidden fear of trust
That is covered by a blurting of thoughts
Until you realise
All your words are dry and empty
And the words that need to be said, can't
So you'll lay awake at 2am again
Wondering how another night ended like this
And you'll come home and sleep for hours
To forget, so you don't have to feel
And you'll smile and laugh, and you'll breathe
But your breaths will be shallow
And when you're alone, you'll grasp for them
But they will never be enough
And your heart will beat, but a little too fast, a little too slow
And you will love, but it will leave you emptier
And you will look in the mirror and you'll see the blankness in your eyes
And you will turn away
Because you can't believe who you are
And you'll live
But you will only be surviving.

-t.v.

Tonight

Tonight I am sad.
Tonight I am lonely.
Tonight the demons are screaming.
Tonight I need you to hold me.

Irritable

Among relatives, I have always been known as the artist and the animal lover. I have always been the one to go to when one of them has wanted a piece of custom art or advice about animals, particularly the canine variety.

All of a sudden I am finding myself being replaced by a relative I never thought would replace me.

Looking for custom art to decorate a room? No, instead of asking my sister I'll ask some girl I recently met. After getting a puppy? No I won't ask my sister who knows a few breeders and has a lot of contacts in the dog breeding community.

I may as well just not exist for most people any more since being replaced by others for the things that I'm great at.

Matter

All I feel is that I don't matter. Not to anybody, particularly the ones that I am supposed to matter the most to.

Constantly feeling like I'm being used for something, my mind, my time, my company, my body... it's excruciating.

All I want is for someone, anyone to look me in the eye and tell me that I do matter. I do, always have, and always will matter. And I want to believe them.

I want to believe that I'm worth it, because believing that I am not... It is killing me.

What is to come.

Things happen. And more often than not, in my experience, they're not pleasant things. But you stay rooted, suffer in silence, and put up with whatever it is.

Why do we do this? Intentionally put ourselves through a miserable time, blotting out our escape options just for us to continue the way we are, getting more and more stressed.

It's because we're scared of what comes next. Reluctant to walk into the unknown.

We can be told that we can move forward, and we can recognise this truth, but we still don't do anything. It's never as simple as simple as "you can change this, so do it." We will put ourselves through so much pain simply because we are too frightened to see what comes next.