Publishing the Drafts.

 There are some things that I wrote on here and kept as drafts, rather than publishing them.

I just had a look through them, and I think that I am ready for the real thoughts to be shown to the world. For everyone to see what I was hiding behind the mask at the beginning of this year. I don't know if the person these were directed at still even looks at the things I post. Either way, this needs to be out there.

I'll differentiate the posts by alternating the sides they're at.

Sometimes it's just so hard. And in those moments, I just want to unmeet you.

I hope that one day, when I'm on a social media website, and the person who fractured me appears on the screen, that my heart won't feel like it's struggling to survive in the middle of an ocean, and my eyes won't flood the world with sad and pained tears.

Sometime in the future, maybe not so far from now, I might not be writing about you any more. Does that scare you? It should.

There is nothing that I'd take back. But I can't say that there's nothing I regret.

"It always shocked me when I realised that I wasn't the only person in the world who thought and felt such strange and awful things."
                  - John Green

Does it not bother you that we barely talk any more? And when we do, topics are strained? Because it bothers me. A lot.

I want to keep smashing myself to pieces until I can figure out a way to make myself whole again.

"In everybody's life there's a point of no return. And in a very few cases, a point where you can't go forward any more. And when we reach that point, all we can do is quietly accept the fact. That's how we survive."

               - Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

 I've been at the point where I cannot go forward any more. I have been for too long.

I'm really not okay. I've been pretending and letting the people around me believe that I'm fine when in reality I feel broken and destroyed.

“If you leave someone at least tell them why, because what’s more painful than being abandoned; is knowing you’re not worth an explanation.”  

I hate how your littlest words, impact me in the biggest way.

I'll be better in the morning.

But not now. The rain is pouring.

My heart is hurting.

I can't make myself happy any more.

I want to bleed, I want to cry.

I want to be gone.

I work so hard to be happy, but it all comes crashing down at night.

My insecurities lurk in the darkness.

My happiness vanishes with the sun.

But don't worry, you'll never know.

I'll be better in the morning.

“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. Every story has an end, but in life every end is just a new beginning.”  

Out with the old. This is another of the few final pieces of baggage that I carry around with me. One that I only remembered I had yesterday.

Time to release it and let it soar. It won't hurt me any more. It shall be my armour.

Don't settle

Sometimes, you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller than you ever were before.

Sometimes, your eyes need to be washed by your tears so you can see the possibilities in front of you with a clearer vision again.

Sometimes, your heart needs to be broken into tiny little pieces for to be made whole.

Just some things that I've learned about life this past year. Don't ever settle for less than you deserve. I thought I was going to have to. But I realised that I didn't.

I cancelled out the if onlys.
I created what ifs.

Potterhead

Anyone who knows me will be well aware of my love for 'the boy who lived.' I followed his story from the very first book, to the very last film, and I continue to learn about him now with the progression of the website Pottermore.

The past few weeks people seem to have been picking up on it and mentioning my 'obsession' in conversation. I don't know why. It isn't more apparent now than it has been before. And I'm not entirely sure whether or not some are trying to make fun of me for it.

But think what they will, I don't care.

Harry Potter isn't just a book or film character to me, he's a friend. I know a lot of people out there will think me sad for saying so, but whatever.

I get attached to characters in books. Books are my escape, they always have been and always will be. When I was younger I was in dire need of somewhere to escape to. There were things going on, things I didn't understand. And I had nobody to talk about it, because I didn't know how to. On the times I tried it was passed off as an overactive imagination. I needed to get out, of reality, my own mind... Just away to somewhere that felt safer and more comforting. I found that place in Hogwarts.

I found out I had magic, I got chosen by my wand, I travelled across the lake to the castle and got sorted into my House with the rest of the first years. I attended Potions, Transfiguration, Charms, Defence Against the Dark Arts, Care of Magical Creatures, Herbology. I rode a broomstick, watched my first Quidditch match and played some myself, I collected the cards from Chocolate Frogs, snacked on Pumpkin Pasties and Cauldron Cakes and Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans. I explored the hidden world of magic, visiting Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley, having a Butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks with Rosmerta, an ice cream sundae at Flotesques, and avoiding the pea soup at the Leaky Cauldron. I rode the Knight Bus, made friends with Dobby, Hedwig, and Buckbeak. I watched the Triwizard Tournament and danced at the Yule Ball, became a member of Dumbledore's Army and The Order of the Phoenix. I met Hippogriffs, Blast Ended Skrewts, Dragons, House Elves, Threstrals, Boggarts, Goblins, Cornish Pixies, Basilisks and Pygmy Puffs. I faced down beasts, and wizards alike. And in the end I collected the three Deathly Hallows, I fought alongside the rest at the Battle of Hogwarts and watched the destruction of the Dark Lord Voldemort.

Hogwarts was my safe place. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Hagrid, Sirius, Lupin, Fred and George, McGonagall, Dumbledore, Snape, Pomfrey, Sprout, Trelawny, Draco, Neville, Luna, Cho, Seamus and Dean, Oliver, Angelina, Lee, Alicia, Moody, Tonks, Kingsley, Molly and Arthur, Bellatrix, Scrimgeor, Scabior, Fenrir, James and Lily... They were all my family.

I lived in the wizarding world more than my own. It was my lifeline. It kept me going when I didn't know how to handle what was going on within my mind. It kept me safe and alive. And I have found many other people along the way that feel just the same.

Harry Potter was a series that was so creative and enchanting and affecting that somewhere along the line it stopped being fictional for a lot of us fans.

Hogwarts will always be my home whenever I return to it. And I am not ashamed to say so. I will never be ashamed of my love of something that kept me sane and existing.

A Quest of Relief.

This has always been where I write things down that I need to get off my chest. Where I write things down for relief. Hence the title. But now I am starting to write in journals again. Because there are too many people that can read what is going on here. And some of those people I don't want knowing what exactly is on my mind at all times.

I have always been secretive, that is never going to change. I am never going to be comfortable with lots of people knowing what is going on with me. I like to know who knows what. It's a defense mechanism - one of many that have accumulated over time - that I have had for years now. After a lot of people knew my secrets and they bullied me for it, I became very select about what I told and who I told and I kept track of it all in my mind. So that if it ever happened to me again I could track the source down effectively, confront them, and bring them down if necessary.

This method has worked for me very well. And then I discovered this place. A place where I could create my own personal area to vent and release everything that was clawing inside my skull and my chest. Since I was never really any good at expressing how I felt and thought to others, particularly face to face (due to another defense mechanism,) this site was perfect. It aided my therapy, and allowed me to become secure enough in my mind that I could start opening up again. It was my relief.

Was.

Now, a number of people know about this place, and I expected that. And I wasn't particularly bothered about who read what was on here, because it has always been my venting space to make me feel better and calmer. However, now there are people that I know don't deserve to know what is going on in my mind. I will be a little more guarded about what I put on here in the future. It was a place where I could air my thoughts instead of being stupid and putting them all over somewhere like Facebook, for everyone to see. And I admit, that over the time I've had this I have removed posts because I didn't want them aired to the internet. So, my journals will be a place for that from now on.

However, that is only a minor reason for this latest post.

As I have said before, I have been going through a transitional period. Well that has all accelerated. Now I am in a position where I can admit to mental freedom. I feel as though I was like Elizabeth in Drop Dead Fred. I had a part of me that had been locked away on the inside. And I couldn't free her. I had my demons, my shadows to be more exact, that kept me at bay so that I couldn't rescue her. But, with some help, I have managed it. The real me that was locked away years ago has surfaced at last.

I got a haircut. I know, that's a pretty standard thing, particularly for a female. But it was this that made me really see the young girl that had been trapped surface once more. I knew she was there, I could feel her, but this was the first time I could actually see her. The haircut was for a character that I am cosplaying for Manchester Comic Con. It's cut perfectly for that. But this morning, while I was looking in the mirror after straightening it, I realised something. That it is the perfect mirror of how I used to style my hair before I well and truly locked myself away. I was really taken aback. The more I looked, the more I could see her. The same cut, the same style straightened, the eyes had the same cautious clarity that she used to, the mouth had the natural slight upturn... There she was looking right at me for the first time in years.

With her back I am more confident, less anxious and nervy than I was. I am quicker to anger but more controlled, it's fire a steady blaze rather than an explosion. I am more comfortable in my skin, I will stand up for myself and my loved ones with more confidence. The loyalty that brings out the true ferociousness I have is back. I won't tolerate being used, abused, manipulated, and messed around with any more. After all that I have been through I deserve better than that. And that is something that I understand now. I see that I am worth more than what people have made me suffer.

I may not be entirely mentally stable, is anyone truly? It's likely that I'm still going to suffer depression at some points. It is likely that I am still going to hallucinate and have delusions. Even though my shadow man has lost control of me now, the things that I saw and felt weren't always him or his doing. And in fact, some were actually pleasant. I can admit to having pleasant hallucinations in the past, and I suppose that makes me lucky. So even if they're still knocking around, it's fine by me. It's another dimension to my already multifaceted personality. 

With this in mind, I don't believe that I want to keep the title as "A Quest of Relief." It won't be about relief on here any more. If I need to seek relief, I have a more private place for that now. This will be more about musings, and errant thoughts that I feel need to be expressed in a greater manner. So it looks like this area will be getting a change too. It will be renovated. Reinvented. The name will be the first to change. Into what, I haven't decided yet. But across the board, my websites will be re-envisioned. So watch this space, I guess.

And to all of the readers, however many or few you regulars may be, for I know the majority keep quiet... Why you choose to read this is beyond me. But thank you, for sticking around.

Here is to change; embrace it.