2014 Review

     Well. Where to start? I ended last year with a quote. "Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one." I think I accomplished it. 2014 has certainly been a long and busy one. I saw a fox in it's natural habitat for the first time. I saw my first shooting star. I found my person and started my family.
      I'm not going to stand around letting people do whatever they want to me or the people I care about the most without ramifications. I'm tired of staying quiet and fighting from the sidelines. I'm not going to do that any more. People will absolutely know where they stand with me, and I won't beg for them to stick around. I have the people I want, I don't need any more.
      One thing I will say is that it has been better than 2013 by far. I've learned a lot, I've cried a lot, I've struggled a lot. But I've laughed a whole lot more, and I've smiled genuine smiles! I have been so much happier.
     I'm going to carry on improving myself, carry on building my family. I want to push myself to get up early again, no lying in bed unless I'm sick, I want to see the sunrise. I'm going to get back into exercising and eating and drinking better. I will continue to write; my journal, my stories, my book. I'm going to make the time for walks again; on my own, with friends, with my husband, with a dog. I'm going to take more photos and draw more pictures. I'm going to continue studying Japan; the language, history, culture, and Shintoism. I will be even braver, even stronger and even more confident. 
     2013 was the year of survival. 2014 has been the year of change. 2015 will be the year of acceleration. Let's write another good book.

Exhausted

I am so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally shattered.

My mind took me to a very very dark place the other night. To a depth that I hadn't reached before. I never want to go that far again. It was... Disturbing.

So much is in disarray at the moment. Most of the time I don't know whether I'm coming or going and I have to take each hour as it comes simply to survive right now.

I miss my dog, my safety blanket. Having him ripped away from me felt awful. And now every time I get him it doesn't feel right, like I can't make it the way I used to. This hurts like hell.

I think I need to cling to a new safety blanket.