Can't do right for wrong.

How many times do you have to tell yourself something before you believe it?
How many times do I have to sit on my bed rocking back and forth and trying to dry my eyes , telling myself it is okay before I believe it?
I am tired.
I don't remember the last time that I slept properly. All I can think at night is how useless I am. As soon as this starts swirling I suddenly feel so isolated. All alone, and like there is nobody to talk to. I know that I'm not alone, I have some amazing and beautiful friends to whom I can turn, some that probably even understand exactly what it is I am going through. But I don't want to be told that I should cheer up, that things will get better or any of the other horrible clichés that seem to be all anyone can say in a situation such as this. They don't help, if anything they make me feel worse.
I just wish that I could feel useful. Or even just good at something. I wish that whenever I looked in the mirror I could be at least content with what I saw there. I don't want to be thinking hateful things about myself, who I am, or how I look whenever I do. I want to be able to believe in myself and to feel like I don't have to be insecure any more. I don't want to look at other girls whenever I'm out and think that they are so much skinnier or prettier than I am. Or look at anyone successful and think that they are so much more intelligent and luckier than I am. So on and so forth... All of these thoughts hurt and they make me want to cry and curl up in bed and never leave it.
I guess I just want to be normal. But what is normal? Shouldn't I be aiming for extraordinary? But again, what is extraordinary?
      Nothing makes sense.
      It's all a mystery.
      This is a labyrinth, there is no way out.
      I am lost.
      So freaking lost.
      Forever lost.