Youngster

There is a time when I was younger that I remember above all else.

I remember being seven years old. I remember listening to my parents scream and throw things at one another in the middle of the night. I remember my mother crying and pulling me into her bed and whispering to me that we were going to be on our own for a while. I remember later that night, when my mother had fallen asleep and I was still awake on the other her bed, my father coming upstairs and making eye contact with me. Just a brief flicker of recognition before he turned away and left us for a while.

I remember that at the same time, my sister was married. I remember her coming to the house. I remember her face being bruised and beaten. I remember that he beat her. I remember not only her relationship, but several other relationships that others had fizzle and fail horribly.

I remember that I told myself in that moment that I could never let anyone in that far. I could never let someone into the deepest well of my existence. I couldn't let them have power over me.

And so ever since I shut people out. If I have a problem, I work it out in my mind, alone. I shut off my heart and mind temporarily. I numb myself. And to this day I do this, without realising that I am doing it. I can't make the words that are on my mind come out. Whenever I'm asked, the thoughts vanish like they never existed. It's a reflex I didn't realise I had created.

It was to protect myself. But in the end it destroys more than it protects.