A Quest of Relief.

This has always been where I write things down that I need to get off my chest. Where I write things down for relief. Hence the title. But now I am starting to write in journals again. Because there are too many people that can read what is going on here. And some of those people I don't want knowing what exactly is on my mind at all times.

I have always been secretive, that is never going to change. I am never going to be comfortable with lots of people knowing what is going on with me. I like to know who knows what. It's a defense mechanism - one of many that have accumulated over time - that I have had for years now. After a lot of people knew my secrets and they bullied me for it, I became very select about what I told and who I told and I kept track of it all in my mind. So that if it ever happened to me again I could track the source down effectively, confront them, and bring them down if necessary.

This method has worked for me very well. And then I discovered this place. A place where I could create my own personal area to vent and release everything that was clawing inside my skull and my chest. Since I was never really any good at expressing how I felt and thought to others, particularly face to face (due to another defense mechanism,) this site was perfect. It aided my therapy, and allowed me to become secure enough in my mind that I could start opening up again. It was my relief.

Was.

Now, a number of people know about this place, and I expected that. And I wasn't particularly bothered about who read what was on here, because it has always been my venting space to make me feel better and calmer. However, now there are people that I know don't deserve to know what is going on in my mind. I will be a little more guarded about what I put on here in the future. It was a place where I could air my thoughts instead of being stupid and putting them all over somewhere like Facebook, for everyone to see. And I admit, that over the time I've had this I have removed posts because I didn't want them aired to the internet. So, my journals will be a place for that from now on.

However, that is only a minor reason for this latest post.

As I have said before, I have been going through a transitional period. Well that has all accelerated. Now I am in a position where I can admit to mental freedom. I feel as though I was like Elizabeth in Drop Dead Fred. I had a part of me that had been locked away on the inside. And I couldn't free her. I had my demons, my shadows to be more exact, that kept me at bay so that I couldn't rescue her. But, with some help, I have managed it. The real me that was locked away years ago has surfaced at last.

I got a haircut. I know, that's a pretty standard thing, particularly for a female. But it was this that made me really see the young girl that had been trapped surface once more. I knew she was there, I could feel her, but this was the first time I could actually see her. The haircut was for a character that I am cosplaying for Manchester Comic Con. It's cut perfectly for that. But this morning, while I was looking in the mirror after straightening it, I realised something. That it is the perfect mirror of how I used to style my hair before I well and truly locked myself away. I was really taken aback. The more I looked, the more I could see her. The same cut, the same style straightened, the eyes had the same cautious clarity that she used to, the mouth had the natural slight upturn... There she was looking right at me for the first time in years.

With her back I am more confident, less anxious and nervy than I was. I am quicker to anger but more controlled, it's fire a steady blaze rather than an explosion. I am more comfortable in my skin, I will stand up for myself and my loved ones with more confidence. The loyalty that brings out the true ferociousness I have is back. I won't tolerate being used, abused, manipulated, and messed around with any more. After all that I have been through I deserve better than that. And that is something that I understand now. I see that I am worth more than what people have made me suffer.

I may not be entirely mentally stable, is anyone truly? It's likely that I'm still going to suffer depression at some points. It is likely that I am still going to hallucinate and have delusions. Even though my shadow man has lost control of me now, the things that I saw and felt weren't always him or his doing. And in fact, some were actually pleasant. I can admit to having pleasant hallucinations in the past, and I suppose that makes me lucky. So even if they're still knocking around, it's fine by me. It's another dimension to my already multifaceted personality. 

With this in mind, I don't believe that I want to keep the title as "A Quest of Relief." It won't be about relief on here any more. If I need to seek relief, I have a more private place for that now. This will be more about musings, and errant thoughts that I feel need to be expressed in a greater manner. So it looks like this area will be getting a change too. It will be renovated. Reinvented. The name will be the first to change. Into what, I haven't decided yet. But across the board, my websites will be re-envisioned. So watch this space, I guess.

And to all of the readers, however many or few you regulars may be, for I know the majority keep quiet... Why you choose to read this is beyond me. But thank you, for sticking around.

Here is to change; embrace it.