Progress Report

I'm finding myself. I am actually finding out who I am, and what I want without being defined by another person. The sheer joy this knowledge brings to me is something I can't even begin to describe.

I was lost. So incredibly lost. To tell you the truth, I lost myself a long time ago, and that me is never coming back. I found my feet moving further away from where I wanted them to be; it started off slowly, gradual and calm, until it progressed into something more, fast and frantic that resembled an avalanche. I watched as I took off running, tripping and stumbling along the way down a path I knew I shouldn't be taking. When I eventually managed to come to a stop and take a look around, I didn't know what to do. In the end I sort of just sat around; waiting, hoping, something would happen, something that would rescue me. I suppose, in a twisted way, something did. It wasn't something that I would ever have wished to happen, but looking back, a part of me is glad that it did.

I am a haunted person. I am haunted by these people, these places; the ones that have always held memories for me, both happy and sad, and everything in between. The words of a past lover floating through my head, the marks from fingerprints they've left against my skin that only I can see. I am haunted by the idea of something real, something I've only felt once before during a time that feels like it was years ago, when really it was only a few months. I am haunted by the idea of him and me, all the things we never got to see, the things I never told him. I think he'll always be the ghost that haunts me.

I guess at least I know now that I tried to make it change, tried to make myself change... I tried and I failed. I failed because my offer to stand up and fight for what I wanted was knocked aside. I was given up on and pushed to move on, alone. I didn't think that I could do it, but I did. Now I can attempt to abolish the painful 'what ifs' that poison my thoughts. The memories I have will only ever be memories now. The lingering nostalgia will merely float around in my atmosphere, never again adding up to anything.

Is this closure? I think so. Am I nostalgic or sad? I can't tell any more. The two states of mind are intertwined, just like he and I were all those months ago. I will always miss him, I guess that's just how it's going to be. I opened my heart to him more than I have ever done with anyone before, so this must be something that comes in the same package deal.

Five weeks ago I started to fall in love again. I'm falling in love with a man that is quite a few years older than me. Who has kind eyes and soft skin. A man who is such a gentleman. He has changed a lot of things for me and helped me to find myself. I think I might have helped him in the same way in return. He has taught me new things daily, and he has showed me that you have to grab life by the horns and do what you can, while you can.

I think of him a lot of the time; when the sun is beaming through the trees or when the world falls silent around me in the early morning hours. I think of him when I hear a motorbike driving by, or when I see a tattooed person. I think of him in bits and pieces, fragments and broken up memories that have gotten trapped in between all the lines of my favourite songs. I think of him in those fleeting moments of beauty life has to offer, because to me, he is one of those moments of beauty. Hopefully not so fleeting. But if that is how it is to be, I will always be thankful for what he has done for me.

I'm healing now. I'm starting to regain the ability to play video games for an extended period of time rather than turning one on, staring at it for a few minutes then switching it off again. I can listen to some of the old songs that churn up memories of a time now passed. I can watch the films and shows he and I used to curl up and watch together. I can draw again, and I can write again.

I took time. Time to figure myself out. Time to realise what it is I want. Time to forget, to forgive. Time to take risks. Time to love again. Time to be afraid. Time to keep opening these wounds. Because that is what I had to do to heal.

I am ready to let go now. Be freed, my heart. You are your own again. Be swift, be cautious. There are a lot of bad things out there and they will not hesitate to hurt you. But don't be so cautious that you never feel anything, or you never let anyone so deep into the recesses of your being. You are worth more than that, dear heart. I promise that I shall not be so careless with you from now on.


This post was more for my benefit than to explain anything. I needed to get this off my chest to make it feel more real, I guess. I'll get back to 'Facts and Explanations' shortly. 

Until then...
Adieu.