Bethany Carol Ashton.

That was supposed to be my name. Bethany Carol Ashton. Horrible, right? I've never liked it and I have never had the correct words to say why. Until recently.

It doesn't fit. It doesn't feel right, in fact it feels down right disgusting. I can't stand to be called by this name. It feels sticky, like slime or sludge, it gives me chills and not good ones. It just plain old doesn't feel right and it never has.

There's a book series, called Skulduggery Pleasant written by a chap called Derek Landy. I adore these books. They are the right amount of serious, hilarious, and distressing and 100% worth the reading. Now, in this series people are described as having three names. Their "given name," their "taken name," and their "true name." For instance the main protagonist knows her three names. Her given name is Stephanie Edgley, her taken name is Valkyrie Cain, and for want of not revealing spoilers I shan't say her true name. But you get the gist.

I used to believe that Bethany Carol Ashton was my given name and I had to find my true name, or my taken name at least. I don't think I've admitted to this before, but there it is. I was convinced this was the case for years and I hunted high and low for a nickname that I liked.

I've realised that this wasn't quite true. I did need to find the right name, but it wasn't my true name or whatever. The way that I describe it now is that some people are born one gender. They aren't happy with that gender, it feels wrong to them and they feel like they should have been born the opposite gender. And so they take the actions to change that so they feel comfortable with themselves. And I believe that it is the same with names. Bethany Carol Ashton feels extremely wrong to the extent that the only accurate way I can describe it is that it feels perverse. It's not mine. Which is why I can get so intensely angry and standoffish when someone other than a relative calls me as such.

Effy, however, is mine. Effy feels right. It fits, it's comfortable, it's nice. There doesn't have to be more reasoning behind it than that. No elaborate tale or reference to one of my favourite book series'. Just that my old name didn't fit, and my new one does.