So, it has taken me a while to figure out what to do next, yes. But I've now decided that maybe I could explain some of the things in my 'Likes' and 'Dislikes' and why I like or dislike them. I know a couple raised a few eyebrows - the one about not liking falling in love in particular. So, yeah. I'll tell you why I think what I think, and feel what I feel about some of these things, and throw in a few other facts along the way. That should help me figure out who I am, right?
Number 1. "I don't like falling in love"
This is the one that I really feel I should explain, as it was the one to raise the most eyebrows. I like love and romance and all that gooey mushy stuff that can be quite sickening to witness from the outside. But falling in love is one of my biggest fears now.
I've fallen in love three times. And each of those times didn't work out.
The first was a real childhood sweetheart. He was a popular kid and I was the weird fat kid that gets bullied. But we were best friends, and more. Some people may say that being in Primary School means that it wasn't real love, just 'puppy love' if anything. I can say now, with absolute certainty, that is utter hokum. We weren't too young to be in love, too young to understand it, yes. But not too young to feel it. But it didn't last. As we moved onto High School his parents decided to move to New Zealand. I haven't heard from him since, and I still think about him from time to time. Wondering if he thinks of me...
Number two was a girl. She was, still is, one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. She still takes my breath away on the rare occasions I bump into her. We were together for a short time, but she didn't feel the same about me. She never knew how strongly I felt about her, and she never will.
Thirdly, most recently, and most painfully, was the person I thought was 'the one'. I thought third time lucky. I believed we were going to spend the rest of our lives together - grow old, get a house, have pets, maybe even kids... He was the first person to actually make me feel like I could want to have children. But he had power over me. Still does, if I'm to be honest. He used that power, and he didn't always treat me the way that he should have.
I will always hold these three people in my heart. They will always be special to me, because each one in their own way unintentionally made me a better person and they taught me so many things that are necessary to life.
However, now, I am more cautious with my heart and to whom I entrust it. Too cautious, perhaps. But I am afraid to get hurt again. I barely escaped the third one alive. I confess here, once and for all, that I was a seconds thought away from suicide again. I would have done it, I had the knife poised, and I'd started to apply pressure. The only reason I stopped was because my mother interrupted me with an inquiring yell from downstairs. That is the only reason I am here to type this. And I am so thankful she chose that moment to ask me a question.
I don't like falling in love because it is scary and it hurts like hell when it doesn't work out. But that doesn't mean that I won't fall in love again. It just means that I'll be more careful and hold myself back from falling in love until I know they feel the same and we both believe it may go somewhere worthwhile.
I shall be back tomorrow.
Until then... Adieu.
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